26: Them Damn Voices

Mood: Not sure. it's leveling out, though, thanks to the meds.

Song: Government Hooker by Lady GaGa

XXX

Anybody see a difference in how this blog looks? I sure as fuck do! Yesterday when I was bored I decided to give this blog a makeover. I rather like it! 

I have to sit through today, tomorrow, and Monday before I can get my Emilie Autumn book. It's scheduled to arrive by the end of Monday, but I'm not going to get my hopes up.

I has awesome news. I HAVEN'T HEARD THE VOICES IN ABOUT TWO WEEKS! That includes beeping and screaming. So happy! I remember before the medication I'd often hear my mom telling me to do things, or calling for me since she'd order me around and yell at me when I lived with her. It's been happening since I was little. it even happened when I moved in with my dad in February! That's gone. I'm beginning to come to terms with her being gone. She hasn't written in quite a while, so for now she's dead to me. 

It's not just my mom I'd hear. My mom's voice is/was always quieter then the regular set of voices I'd hear. often hear several voices (I can't tell if it's male of female voices, but the screaming is always obviously female) that seem to come from behind me. Sometimes it's quiet, but more often than not it's really loud. louder than my mom. They come from behind me, whereas I can't tell where my mom's voice comes from. Usually from "upstairs" or in a room with a closed door, even if the building I'm in doesn't have an upstairs. That's probably because my mom spent so much time in her bedroom in the upstairs of the house we lived in , telling me to do things or yelling at me, that her "voice" comes to me from "upstairs". That's confusing. 

I think that if I can get her voice to completely leave me alone I'll be able to let my mom go. I often hear my mom yelling when I'm trying to go to sleep, because she often fought with my dad or screamed at my step dad in the middle of the night. At this point I don't even care about the other voices. I just want hers to leave me alone. Once hers goes away, it'll be easier to deal with the others.

The other voices tell me things often. Like, "you suck." "you should just die." "why don't you cut yourself, bitch." And often, it's easier to just do what they say. To cut myself. That ties in with my tolerance/love for pain. Not only do I get a release from it, but it shuts up those damn voices. It's been getting easier to ignore them, though. I put my iPod on and turn the volume all the way up. I drown out the voices. It really helps. I keep telling myself that they aren't really there. 

So I hope that makes it a bit clearer of what I'm kind of going through. I don't want pity, I just want someone to understand. If you have the same problems I do, I want you to understand that you really aren't alone. That's what this blog is about. it's a story. That's why I want you to begin reading from the beginning. Because trust me...it'll be a lot easier to understand.

Love,

Leeches Lolita <3