Mood: Decent. I has strawberry smoothie from McDonald's. other than that, I don't feel attached to my body. is that normal???
Song I'm Listening To: Like a Prayer by Madonna
XXX
Dear Interwebz,
Cutting. Why do we do it? Because we want attention? No! In fact, if I could become invisible, I'd be the happiest girl in the world! I hate attention. Then why am I on stage all the time? Because I like acting and singing and dancing. Why do I dress crazy? Because fashion is awesome. I wish people would leave me alone.
Do we do it because our friends do it? No! None of my friends cut. In fact, they don't even care that I do it. They keep telling me I shouldn't do it, but usually they're pretty indifferent. They don't give a shit most of the time. Lately I've been separating myself from most of my friends. Mostly because I have less than nothing in common with them.
We all have different reasons, but I do it because of an impulse. When I'm feeling sad enough I can't help but hurt myself. Same thing goes if I'm feeling just so out of control. I feel like the only thing about myself that I can control is the cutting. I can slice myself any way I want. The only thing I can't control is stopping or not doing it. I HAVE to do it. So you might think that that means that I can't control it? Well...to me it feels like there's a part of the cutting I can control. It's confusing.
Do I ever feel like I want to kill myself? Every fucking day. Even if I'm super happy ecstatic. But do you know how hard it is to go tell your daddy "Hey! I feel like killing myself today! What cha gonna do about it?" you can't. Simple as that. So when it gets really bad I go to the bathroom and cut. More often than not, though, it's enough to just go read some smut on the computer until I calm down. Not really, but you get the point.
Sometimes I beat myself. Once, I spent two hours punching my pillow and screaming because I was just so damn angry. Pretty soon that whole scenario morphed into me hitting myself instead. Is it because I just want to feel pain? Do I have some sort of psychotic fetish for pain? Do I enjoy pain?
Yes. I do. I admit it. I like pain. When my sister and I were younger we used to get into fist fights. I remember spurring her on so that she'd hit me more. Even now, in the rare occasion that we do end up hitting each other, I'll slap her and she'll try and beat me up. It's not just her, though. Sometimes I ask people to hit me. My friends even. They always think I'm joking. But I'm not.
I've written songs about it. I don't ALWAYS love pain. It's the kind of pain that's self inflicted or purposely inflicted by others. Like, If I stub my toe or get a paper cut, I hate that kind of pain. I also hate internal pain. Like the kind of pain my mum would "unknowingly" inflict on me. I don't even mind injections, even though I say I hate it. I honestly don't mind it when doctors stab me with needles.
Now, I'm not saying that I want to be raped. I'm not saying that I want my future girlfriend or whatever to beat me. It's confusing. I don't know. I only want it when I say I want it. You know?
I'm going to start making a bookmark for my Asylum book when it arrives. It would be a sin to dog ear those pages! Making this bookmark will make waiting easier. Apparently EA hasn't even finished signing all the books yet. Blah...well, It'll all be worth it in the end. I've been waiting for so long to get this book!
So until then,
Leeches Lolita
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