Mood: Um...everything. I feel as though I will spontaniously combust in about three seconds if somebody doesn't give me cake. And a good mood stabilizer :)
Song I'm Listening To: Swallow by Emilie Autumn
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Mental Illness. Take a minute and think. What are the first things that come to your mind when you think of mental illness? Crazy people?
Truth is, we're not crazy. But...what's the difference between mental disorder and mental illness? That's the main difference between my mother and I.
I have PTSD. Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. Apparently, the tramatic even that caused this was being raised by an abusive mother. So...the past 17 years have been a tramatic event? yea...that sounds about right.
Before we go onto MY problems, let's go onto my dear old mum's problems/issues.
1. She's an alcoholic.
2. She's bulimic.
3. She's been in several long term, unsteady relationships.
4. She's always sleeping with strangers.
5. She's addicted to spending money on shit.
6. She has violent moodswings.
7. She's got self immage problems.
8. She always seems to be angry.
9. Or depressed.
10. Or annoyingly giddy.
11. But usually angry.
12. She engages in destructive behaviour (usually reckless driving)
13. She exhibits impulisve behaviour (eating, spending money, sex, etc..)
14. She refuses to recognize (or is unable to recognize) that she is sick.
I got a pamphlet today all about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I've also been reading about it online for the past couple months. Everything checks out. All the signs point to that. I want desperately for her to be tested for it. But, (as number 14 states) she refuses to awknoledge the fact that something is deffinately wrong. I want her to get help. I've tried to convince her to see somebody, but she does everything she possibly can to avoid seeing any sort of mental health specialist or therapist. I'm so scared for her. Despite the fact that I hate her guts for not even allowing me the simple pleasure of having a childhood (you know...my siblings and I basically started making out own meals at age six, packed suitcases and folded laundry and cleaned HER bedroom at age four. She yelled at us whenever she lost her shoes, and would always blame us if she were late going somehwere. And then she'd say sorry. Somehwere along the line we stopped beleiving her "sorrys". The only momories I have of my mom are of her either screaming at us, or being an irritating drunk with a bottle of some alcoholic drink in her hand).
But I want her to get help. I don't ever want to see her again, but I want her to get help.
What about me? Well, we originally thought I had a mood disorder. Since my oh so lovely trip to the psych ward back in March I have been diagnosed with PTSD.
Not entirely sure WHY. I've never really looked into it. I've never even met anyone else who has it. Every case is different, though. So what are my symptoms? What shit do I do? Well...
1. I cut. Impulsively. Sometimes I can't help it, sometimes I can. The impulse gets worse when my cuts heal.
2. I get stressed out easily around strangers or when I'm faced with abrupt change.
3. I've tried to commit suicide, and think about it all the time.
4. I have moodswings. People constantly ask me if I'm PMSing. 'sept it's worse.
5. I cry easily.
6. I'm set off very easily. Even words or things people do remind me of shit that's happened and I ether get angry or cry.
7. I run. Before I was forced to drop out of school, I'd run away from school on impulse at least three times a week. I either spent the rest of the day in the nurse's office, or I'd be sent home. The school's police officer's know me quite well. I also run out of moving cars, often coming to my senses a mile or two away from where I jumped out.
8. I have insomnia. Even with my medication, I hardly ever sleep. I do go through phases, however, where I sleep way too much.
9. I hear voices. It varries from actual voices telling me to do things or saying thigns about me, to random noises like screaming or crying. It's not so bad when I take my medication.
10. I obsess over weird things. Not at an OCD, point, but to the extent where it's irritating to me.
11. I fantasize about hurting others and myself. People keep telling me that during my blackouts I scream about how I want to harm others and kill myself.
12. I black out.
13. I do things I can't remember or have trouble remembering later.
I'm not crazy. My mum however, is the very definition of "crazy bitch". My mom says she sees a lot of herself in me. I pray to the god I don't believe in that I NEVER become like her. I understand that it's an illness, but she doesn't want to even try and get help!
Sigh. I checked the forum, and apparently none of the Emilie books have been shipped out yet. She's still signing them all. blegh. Shipping should take about three days, so I'll hopefully get it soon. Knock on wood, anyway.
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