Before we begin. All typo's and spelling mistacks (ha ha, got you there, didn't I!) will be preserved for authenticity. So please no rude comments (can you do that on this website?) about how my spelling and grammar suck. Because I really couldn't care less.
Mood: Well, it's changing every five minutes today. One minute I want orange juice, the next I want a cookie. Only more extreme.
Song I'm Listening To: he's hurting me, by Maria Mena
XXX
Dear diary (I feel like a little kid, writing in my Hello Kitty diary again! tee hee),
Today has been an interesting day. Or rather, it's been a rather interesting week. I have been abandoned by my crazy mother, sent a post card by said crazy mother, been sexually harrassed by my best guy friend on Facebook, cut myself, decided to be stupid and not take my meds for three days, and got through all of it with little to no sleep.
So you're probably wondering. Who, what, when, where? Okay, so you're probably not.
My current medications are Trileptal (which is usually used to treat seizures, but I use it to treat the bipolar disorder I HAVE NOT BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH!!!111) and Vistaril (which treats insomnia but DOESN'T WORK ON ME, yet I continue to take it for some obscene reason), plus whatever medication my doctor decides to put me on that week for sleep. Nope, it seems I am immune to several sleep medications as well as other stuff for voices and mood disorders. THE LUNESTA IS A LIE! eh hem. Anyway, bad shit goes down when I don't take my Tileptal. The other night (when I stopped taking it), I kept hearing an irritatingly freaky screaming in my ear. It didn't stop for like, five minutes. So I distracted myself by reading lesbian porn on Fanfiction.net. Not that I condone the use of porn, but it's there.
My mother? Yea, she's crazier than I. At least I'm not JUST crazy in a psycho kind of way. I'm also eccentric, so I can always use that as my excuse. No, my mother doesn't even have eccentricity as an excuse! She's literally insane! For sixteen years she emotionally abused me, always yelling and screaming, or being super duper depressed, mood swining like she was perminantly PMSing...only worse. She's also bulimic, but refuses to see a therapist. AT LEAST I'M DOING SOMETHIGN ABOUT MY ISSUES!!!! All my life I had to take care of her. It's like I never had a childhood. Maybe that's why I'm so short (4'6)??? Dunno. Anyway, last week she ran off with her boyfriend (She's been cheating on my step dad. She also cheated on my dad with random guys in cluding my uncle ever since I was born. Whore much?) and refuses to pay child support and states that she wants nothing to do with me and my siblings because we are "out of control" (smug face). So a few days ago, she sends me a post card from Nantucket (where she is NOT currently living...). So I have no clue what to do.
As for being sexually harrassed online by one of my best guy friends? Well, he basically said he wanted to meet with me. So i said yes! next night, he's saying about how he wanted to "do things to me" (you know what I'm talking about...) and that because I'm gay it wouldn't really count. I kept telling him to stop, but he wouldn't. He even asked for lewed pictures of me, and kept telling me how "nice my boobs were, considering how tiny I am and that he wanted to see them"! so I blocked him and his ugly pedophile face. I consider him a pedophile because I am so tiny, and I am totally convinced that the reason he went after me was because I look like a child with boobs. and I'm older than him. So he could go after someone who looked like a kid, without going to prison. Except he's not 18, so it's not pedophilia, and therefore my head just exploded.
And that is why I cut myself. After going over a month and a half without doing it, I did it again. I used to cut every day. Even when I wasn't sad! I was addicted to it. I did it every morning right after arriving at school. In the same bathroom stall in the retarded smart kid school I like to call Isaac Bear Early College High School (the school I was indirectly kicked out of). I hated myself and wanted to die. I couldn't believe that one of my best friends could think of me as nothing but a little girl with tits. That's all I felt like. Old feelings came back, and the house I was staying at had really sharp kitchen knives. I have a fatal attraction to sharp objects, so...(We have no super sharp knives in the house I live in). I've been though it all before. If you cut yourself, I'm here. That's why I made this diary. In hopes that someone reads it and lets me know that I'm not alone. And that you aren't alone. Also, if you like dark humour...you can enjoy this too :)
So I'm getting my Emilie Autumn (you've never heard of her??? le gasp! Google her NOWS! Best. person. ever.) book soon, and I'm super duper excited. I shall worship it like the bible I've never read.
I hope somone reads it. If not, that's fine. I can pretend that my imaginary friends of the interwebs are reading it. If someone is reading this, I love you. Honestly. Nobody ever reads my work. Plus, I've been rambling today, so I appologize. I tend to do that. So if you make it to the end of this, I give you an internet cookie (it's like a real cookie, only you can't see it and it tastes like air. Also, it's healthy and has like, NO calories. tasteh!).
Well, on that not, I bid you fairwell. Until next time!
~Muffin Plague Rat
(Name comes from what Emilie Autumn calls her fans. She used to call them Muffins, but randomly (and without me being aware of it...) she started calling them plague rats. I still love muffin and I was confused as to what I was to her. So I compromised)
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