48. Crazeh

Mood: see title

Song: Bohemian Rhapsody cover by Emilie Autumn

XXX

Let's take a moment to look at the title. Yes. I feel like a crazy person right now. I would like nothing more than to run out of my house screaming bloody murder waving around my blood stained arms like a raving lunatic. Yes, I have in fact been called a lunatic. No, I have not hurt myself.

I can feel it starting. For the next while I'm going to be irritated at everyone I meet, feel like screaming my lungs out, freaking out over little things, and have the constant need to cut myself. Or strangle myself, either one. 

No, I'm not on my period. Thank you for asking. It's just a phase that I go through every once in a while. I pray to every deity out there that this doesn't happen at school, which I start in exactly seven days. I'm hoping that I can (for once) be known as Alexandra, the perfectly normal girl with no mental problems whatsoever. 

That was a joke, ha ha, fat chance. 

But seriously. I've stopped telling people how I feel. When I do, it's always way too late. I hold everything inside me until it comes out in a fiery display of craziness. I have to graduate. I don't have a choice. If this shit happens ONCE, I'm done. That's it. I suppress my feelings because I'm afraid that people won't take me seriously. I hurt inside every day. It's so easy to fake a smile. I'm an actress. That's just what I do. I've never really stopped wanting to hurt myself, but I've always decided against doing it. That would ruin my whole "Kindly shut up about you're stupid issues, Leeches" plan. I'm not afraid to die, for I have accepted the fact that I will die someday. I could drop dead any second. But that's okay. I'll be reborn as something better. Someone not crazy. I'm not crazy. Shut up. Blah. 

So in seven days I shall be stripped of my identity and be forced to dress myself in a khaki, collared shirt nightmare. I will be forced to keep my mouth shut even more than before. Nobody can know about the demons that reside inside my heart. They just can't.

I'm still mad at my therapist. She apologized, but I still don't trust her. I can tell when someone is lying. I'm an actress. it's what I do. That's a breech in the whole confidentiality things, isn't it? But whatever. I can't stop going to group. Those people are probably the best friends I've got. Sure, I've got other friends, but they tend to ignore me. that's okay. I hate being with people. It takes forever for me to make friends because of my trust issues. 

Yesterday I walked to Food Lion and Dollar General to ask for job applications. I'm actually going to try and get a job. Yay me. Tomorrow night I'm entering in a karaoke contest at a local bar. 

I think my eyebrow piercing is finally healing up (after three months). it still hurts when I pull too hard, but it'll be fine. I hope it doesn't reject soon.

So I suppose this long and boring post is over. Thank you for reading. 

Love,

Leeches. the perfectly normal high school student with no issues whatsoever. yea.

47. Art

Mood: determined 

Song: Prom Night by Jeffree Star

XXX

So...this low calorie diet has kind of become an obsession of mine. I'm checking the calorie count on absolutely everything and managing my portions obsessively. I eat a yogurt for breakfast (how many calories are in yogurt???), celery and low fat ranch dressing for lunch, and whatever food I can find that doesn't have very many calories or fat for supper. Also, I don't eat meat. I haven't eaten anything meat related (minus fish) in about nine months. I'm scared that if I get off the vegetarian diet I'll instantly gain weight. Same thing with the low calorie and fat diet. Lucky for me I get to drink tea, since tea has no calories or fat in it (duh). Neither does sweet n low.

What else has happened? I'm still angry at my therapist for comparing me to my mum and saying that perhaps a long term facility would be a good place for me. How bitchy is that?! I'm also mad at her because several months ago she told my step mum that I was a lesbian (actually, she said that I was fickle with my sexuality but defined myself as a lesbian) when I wasn't ready to tell her, then she told my dad. I'm not mad at my step mum, I'm mad at the therapist. Isn't that, like, illegal or something?!

I'm learning Japanese! So far I only know...three hiragana characters. Yup, I'm THAT slow. I downloaded a great audio book on iTunes. Also, this paragraph belongs in my new blog, Otaku Says. You can find it on my profile (I think). In that blog I talk about otaku culture and do reviews on manga and anime. This blog, Bruises and Bitemarks, remains my main blog, though. 

Well I suppose that's it for today.

Peace!

46. Diet

Mood: good

Song: I Am the Best by 2NE1

XXX

So I had a bit of a melt down yesterday. I talked to my dad about my food issues. I decided to go on a diet. I can now eat up to 1000 calories a day, which is about 500 calories less than either how much I eat now or how much I'm supposed to eat (That sounds odd. how do you "eat" calories???). Anyway, for breakfast I ate a yogurt, for lunch I ate tuna and five crackers, and for supper (I ate it pretty early, at like four) I ate one slice of vegetarian pizza.

I've been kind of depressed since last night. I took a double dose of risperdal last night (that's like, 4 mg) which knocked me out all night and most of today. I woke up at around one this afternoon. I'm still pretty tired, so I can't imagine that sleeping tonight will be much of a problem.

I'm still sporting a bruise from that fight I had with my sister last week.

My brother and two of his friends are over. I managed to hear them talking about either their girlfriends or their friend's girlfriends. Since when did ten year old little boys date?! I'm seventeen and I don't even date (due to the whole "fear of human relations" thing). It was kind of cute. My brother's never really liked girls all that much, so it must have been an awkward conversation for him. Not like they were talking about boobs and stuff or whatever, but still.

I'm tired, but it's not even five yet. 

I'm going to go paint my nails now.

Love,

Leeches Lolita <3

45. Mabon

Mood: guilty

Song: Diva by After School

XXX

Hello! 

So today was Mabon, or the fall equinox. Today day and night are the exact same length. How did I celebrate? I watched the sunrise and the sunset, meditating on it. I also went for a walk down the forested bike path I live near. I also took note on the things that I am thankful for. Over all, it was a very good day today.

Now onto why I am feeling guilty.

Remember that post a while back about how I feel guilty and fat every time I eat? Well it's only been getting worse. I've tried to stop eating, but I can't stop. I know I'm not overweight. I contemplate throwing up all the time and It's driving me crazy. The only thing stopping me from throwing up is the fact that if I ever became bulimic, then I'd ruin my voice AND I'd become like my mother. I'm very torn. I'm at the age my mom started throwing up, so I'm really scared. As much as I'd like to stop eating, I keep eating even when I'm not hungry. I have a pretty good metabolism, but seeing as I've stopped growing I'll only gain weight if I keep this up. The only time I don't feel guilty about eating is when I'm hungry. That's why I never ate in school. I have a phobia of eating in front of people. Ever since I was little I've always had to base what and how much I eat on what everyone else my age and size (it's gotten rather difficult nowadays) does. The only people I can stand eating around are my family.

I try to exercise. I dance every day for long periods of time. I go for walks. None of it helps me feel any better. When I dwell on all this it makes me want to cut or throw up. I've never forced myself to throw up, but I've definitely thought about it. I've even thought about taping notes to my wall that say stuff like "If you eat you'll get fat" or "Don't eat today".

I sound pathetic. I know. But it's the truth. This is something I've never been able to talk to my family or my therapist about. I'm afraid that they'll think I'm just asking for attention. Oh God...

I hate being full. That's the worst feeling. As much as I feel better when I'm hungry, I just have to eat. I don't know why. I have no self control. I don't binge like my mom, but I feel like I'm getting there. I wish I could talk to someone about this. But I can't talk about anything to anyone anymore. My new therapist is a family therapist. that means that my dad will be in the room with me. I can't talk about half the stuff I'm going through with him. I just can't.

I'm not going to cut. I'm not going to cut. I'm not going to cut. I'm not going to cut.

Oh god...I sound like my mom. My mom would write things like that in her journal, only it would be more like "I'm not going to binge. I'm not going to binge. I'm not going to binge." My worst fear is that I'm going to become like her. I'm so scared.

I guess I should stop. so till next time (because there WILL be a next time)

Leeches

44. Japanese

Mood: Tired...and in pain

Song: Lollipop Luxury by Jeffree Star

XXX

So um...I've decided to learn Japanese. German on the side, but I'm going to focus on Japanese. Mostly because I can relate to it better. I'm getting a sense of dejavu  (or however the hell you spell it) because I think I told this story yesterday. Eh hem...

Anyway, so I'm dedicating an hour to learning Japanese (starting with Hiragana) until school starts. When school starts I'm going to do a half hour each day. I'm usually fine with vocabulary, it's just becoming literate is really hard. I'm hoping that this whole learning a difficult language thing will help with my horrible memory problems.

Today I have group, which is good I suppose. Before that I'm (hopefully) going to the library to check out a few books. I've decide to stop checking out novels because I have so many at home and check out nonfiction instead. I literally have an entire Tupperware box fulled with novels I've never read and old sketch books. Half of those books are good ones like Harry Potter and Twilight (even though the movies ruined it for me), and the other half are either books my aunt brought me to Holly Hill Hospital or books I bought at the Dollar General for a buck twenty five.

Yesterday I learned that you can make playlist folders in iTunes, which makes my life so much easier. I like things to be orderly and tidy. Now my iPod can be too! No longer do I have to deal with searching through playlist after playlist. I'm very happy.

Well I suppose that's it...

Love,

I forget. Too lazy to check.

43. It's been a while...but I'm here now

Mood: Pain. My side hurts.

Song: Co No Mi Chi by Buono! 

XXX

Hello, all. And by all I mean all five of you! It's been a while since I last posted, but that's because I started a new blog (this one remains my main blog like always) called Otaku Says. If you're into anime and manga n stuff please check it out!

Anyway...

So I still don't have a new therapist. Which is fine, since therapy doesn't really work for me. Just a bunch of people telling me how I feel. My old therapist wanted to send me to a long term facility and be tested for BPD. I am NOT my mother, thank you very much. But whatever.

Last night I got into a fight with my sister. Apparently I punched her (I do NOT remember doing this. I think she was just being a drama queen again) so she grabbed me and threw me into the ground. My side is now sporting a bruise. I also stopped breathing for a good twenty seconds. She has some serious anger issues. I feel bad for her, though. Dad says that we both have anger problems. I do NOT have an anger problem! I just...express emotion in a "creative" way with lots of yelling! But whatever. What's done is done.

Karma's a...a...(trying not to curse)...you get the point. Anyway, what they say about having things come back to you three fold is completely true. I accidentally drop my sister's computer two inches from the ground and I get pushed to the ground. Seems fair. So I guess karma and I are even. Right? 

I read my brother's palm the other day. Either I was horribly wrong or he doesn't want to admit the truth. So I'm either psychic or stupid. The book (the solitary witch book my mum oh so ceremoniously left on my doorstep) said that he has trouble expressing emotions appropriately. I was so right! he either bottles things up or lets things out in a fit of anger or dramatics. I was so right. He just doesn't know it.

I've decided to learn Japanese. I can relate to it better than German (even if German IS my fetish language) because of the whole anime/manga geekness thing. Also, it'd be nice if I were able to read Death Note volume 6 that happens to be in the original Japanese.

So that's it for now. I have a purse making class later.

Love,

Whoever I am. I've changed my twitter name so many times I've lost count.

42. Death Note

Mood: Happy. I'm on my third cup of tea. To say I'm feeling good is an understatement.

Song: Jugular by Angelspit

XXX

So...mum bought me the book "Solitary Witch" and I'm studying it religiously. No pun intended. Mum apparently bought the book and left it on the doorstep without even bothering to knock on the door and say hi. She's such a coward...doesn't even want to face her own kids and ex husband. 

Anyway...I decided on a whim to re watch Death Note. I'm also saving up to buy the manga...which is about 139 bucks in total for all thirteen volumes. I shall also read those religiously. Pun intended. Ya know...because Light wants to become God? Religion? HA! I also think that L and Light should be gay for each other. Except they can't, because they're kind of dead.

Wouldn't it be great to own a Death Note??? Like, there's so many people I'd write in that thing it's not even funny! I'm not too keen on the whole "becoming the god of this new world" thing, but you get my point.

Last year at Aniwave I cosplayed as Misa Amane. I did pretty damn good too for putting it together the day before AND using clothes from my closet. This year I'm going to go all Visual kei. Unless I can scrape together enough money to order something online. Since my sewing skills suck.

This weekend my sister had two friends over and the day before my brother had three over. I barely got a moment of peace without hearing something about zombies blowing up. Now, normally I'm okay with my brother blowing up zombies (or whatever) in Left 4 Dead (which is a rather entertaining game, I must say) while I watch (since he doesn't let me play because I "suck at it"), but when you have four ten year olds in your living room it get's kind of old. 

I got sick the other day at like 4:45 in the morning. Because you totally want to read about how I was sick. Moving on...

We have yet to find me another therapist, and I'm running out of medication. No, I'm not a drug addict. I'm just scared of what'll happen when I don't take it. I still get to go to group, which is good, because group is good. 

So basically my life's been boring as boring can be. I want to go to school! See how desperate I am? I HATE school!

Anyway,

much love,

Yours Truly <3

41. Mother Is Coming To Town

Mood: Great. I just bought a butterfinger. it's all good...

Song: Someone like You by Adele

XXX

So....today is September ninth, two thousand eleven. But you knew that already. However, today also happens to be Friday. Which means that my mother is coming into town. She's going to take my sister and I shopping (said in a bored, disbelieving, "oh well, I don't expect much; she don't keep her promises" voice). Unfortunately her "I'm an egomaniac who works at an important job at an airport and has lots of money so that's why I get to date Alex's mother" boyfriend. I'm going to apologize for calling him a motherfucker, and try not to sound sarcastic. Apparently I'm allowed to think those things, but I'm not actually supposed to say them out loud. Oops. 

Not much has been going on. On Friday (a week ago...did I tell you this story?) I had my interview for Mosley High School. That's where the kids go if they're in danger of dropping out. Apparently I fit the criteria perfectly. The interview went well, and I'm first on the waiting list. So when someone decides to leave Mosley, I get to go there. That also means I'll be behind everyone else, but the curriculum is "work at your own pace" anyway. Which is good, because I give new meaning to the phrase "slow learner".

Shit...I forgot to take my meds this morning. well, I'll write again soon.

Love,

Leeches <3

Edit: It appears that my mother doesn't want to see me. She just wants to party with her stupid boyfriend. So much for trying to be friends with her. I said that I'd try if she'd try. Now all I want is for her to get the fuck out of my life and leave me alone. She's sick, and I'm done with worrying about her. Done.

40. Insert Witty Title Here

Mood: Drowsy (is that a mood? Dunno. Just took my medication. It's about 12:30 in the morning though...)

Song: Nothing. I'm watching Bleach on Adult Swim :)

XXX

So my mum's coming into town on Friday apparently. I think I told this story last post, but I can't remember. Anyway, she's apparently told my step father that she wants to move back in with him. He said no, of course. This leads me to believe that something's going wrong with her and her boyfriend. So that's kind of upsetting to hear, I mean, I just want her to be happy. She seemed so happy when I spoke to her on the phone.

In other news, I'm babysitting right now. Yes, I'm babysitting at 1:30 in the morning while watching Bleach (actually it's a different anime that I can't pronounce that just came on. It starts with a D though). Just one of the kids I babysat over the summer. Dad, Tracy, the kid's dad, and some other people went out, so I'm babysitting tonight. The little girl fell asleep a few hours ago, so that gives me liberty to do whatever. And I'm being paid!

Not much his happening.

Happy labour day weekend! 

With love from,

Leeches :)

39. Mum

Mood: Good

Song: Celebration by Madonna

XXX

So...

Mum's coming into town in a week. As in, a week from today. As in, next Friday. As in, she's taking my sister and I shopping.

I don't expect anything, though. I'm not going to get my hopes up for anything, so that I don't get disappointed in the end. That way I can't get angry with her later. I've decided to accept the fact that she's my mother. She'll always be my mother. She's trying to have a relationship with us, which is a good sign. If she's going to try, then I suppose I have to try as well. I've been so angry lately, that I just need to let some things go. Why should I be disappointed with her if SHE'S NOT ME? That's the thing. She's NOT me. I can't do anything to change her, only she can. I have to accept the fact that I shouldn't be worrying her or telling her how to live her life. This is not because I'm weak. I believe that it makes me a very strong person to be trying to work everything out with my mum.

She seems to accept the fact that I've been looking into the wiccan religion. She even said that she'll buy me the book "The Solitary Witch". She used to own it, and she completely supports my looking into it. We both have the same opinion of it: it makes so much more sense than anything else. 

We had a very nice conversation on the phone today. But it didn't feel like I was talking to my mum. It felt like I was talking to a friend. A friend I hadn't talked to in a while. I'm willing to forgive her for all that she's done, as long as she works to keep herself happy. If she's happy, then that means she won't do anything stupid to screw this whole thing up. She says that she's going to go back to school. She's saying all these things that I want to believe, but I don't know if I can. She'll have to work hard to regain my love and trust.

I shouldn't say that I don't love her. Because I do! Very much! But I hate the things she's done. 

I'd like to apologize for yesterday's rant and surplus of cursing. I was just angry, because the fact that my therapist has basically given up on me really upset me. I'm going to try and tone down the cursing, because I feel that that way I'll become happier and nicer. I'd like to be a better person. I'm going to work towards that.

Blessed be,
Leeches Lolita <3