Post Eleven: What is this, I don't even...!

Mood: Grrr...

Song I'm Listening To: Walking on Air by Kerli

XXX

So last night. I don't think it was a panic attack. I was trying to sleep (it was around one am), but I couldn't. My medication wasn't letting me sleep for some reason. Anyway, It started as tossing and turning in bed, and then I got up! I started pacing, and I eventually started squirming around where I stood. I started beating my legs with my fists. I was fully aware of what I was doing, but I couldn't control it. The pain felt...neutral. I didn't really care. It wasn't much of a release since I wasn't bleeding my guts out (wait...what?). I'm not entirely sure what was going on. Then my dad found me and grabbed my hands. He was laughing and told me to stop! he fucking told me to stop. Yea, thanks dad. Then I took another risperdal. And fell asleep and hour later. 

How do I deal with stuff like this? Well...I have a horrible memory. In about a weeks time I'll forget this even happened (unless somebody decides to be a smart ass and bring it up). I guess that over the years I've found a way of coping with the random weird creepy scary stuff I do to myself. I forget. Or it becomes a distant memory, even if it happened a few hours previous. It's my way of dealing with things.

But I don't even know what happened, or what the trigger was.

Today I had therapy and group. One after the other (therapy, then group). It was good. I think I talk too much during group. I'm really self conscious about it. I'm going to work on staying quieter, like I used to.

Well, I suppose that's it for today. 

Tea, crumpets, and sexy British accents,

Leeches