38. I Shall Become what I hate most...

Mood: I don't wanna talk about it...

Song: Nothing

Sorry for the language, folks

XXX

...A liar. I shall become a liar.

For my own sake, of course.

Today I had therapy and I realized that I have two choices. Accept the fact that I'm being forced to see someone else and do well in school, completely suppressing my feelings of anger, depression, and whatnot, and fake my way through my panic attacks and episodes. OR, have my problem worsen (like it's going to anyway) and be sent to a long term residential facility.

I think it's obvious which I'm going to pick.

I am not being sent to a long term facility. You'd have to kill me first. 

My therapist seems to think that this whole thing is something I'm doing to seek attention. AH, NO! I mean seriously! Who the FUCK hurts them self to get ATTENTION??? That's just stupid! If anything, I want LESS attention! I wish people would stop paying any mind to the cuts on my arms. I might not hide them, but I sure as hell ain't PROUD of them! My entire fucking arm is RUINED! It's as bad as getting a tattoo. People will see that and think that I'm crazy! My therapist also thinks that I need to see someone different. That means that I'll have to explain myself for the billionth time. I wish people just knew. So I didn't have to open my mouth and repeat my life story over and over again.

So, I'm going to lie. I'm going to pretend that my life is perfect and pretend that none of this even happened. Gloria (therapist) fucking thinks that I fucking cut myself for attention! What the fuck???!!! I'm going to suppress my urges to cut and hide my anger and depression. I'm going to be  fucking happy.

Maybe I should just stop taking my medication. Meditate myself into a state of false happiness. Forget I have these problems. Who knows? Maybe they'll just go away.

Who even reads this blog anymore anyway?

Anyway,

Yours (happily)

Leeches <3

37: Weight

Mood: Fat

Song: Arms by Christina Perri 

XXX

I think I have a slight problem. I feel fat. No, I get that all people feel fat at some point in their life, but for me it's really bad. Every time I eat I feel like I've gained ten pounds. Problem is, even if I'm not hungry I eat. Even if it's just a handful of chips, I feel so fat afterwards. I had a serious meltdown this evening, and I upset my sister by accident. 

I took a really great quiz that told me that I'm at a healthy weight. Now all I have to do is maintain that weight and I'll be good. We have an exercise bike in my parent's room which I can use, and I also live near a bike trail where I can take walks. The quiz gave great information like what my BMI is and what percentile it is in. It based my BMI on my age, my height AND my weight. A lot of places online only base your BMI on your age or weight rather than both. I'm very small for my age, but I've been through puberty already (duh), so a lot of online resources don't give me accurate responses. You can take the quiz here: http://pediatrics.about.com/cs/obesity/l/bl_amifat_quiz.htm

But that doesn't excuse the fact that I FEEL EXTREMELY FAT!

But then again, I AM smaller than most people. That means that my stomach is smaller than most people my age, therefore it fills up much quicker than a regular 17 year old girl. Even if I eat a little bit, I feel full. I have to remember that even if I feel full, that does NOT mean that I'm fat. Being full and being fat are two completely different things.

I feel better now :)

Love,

Leeches <3

36: Seriously...

Mood: Absofuritalicious

Song: I hear you calling by Chalice and Blade

XXX

Butterfinger is the best ever. Not even kidding.  Also, Google chrome thinks that "Butterfinger" is spelt wrong.

So I've been reading up on Wicca. I'm not joking when I say that it makes so much more sense than the Christian religion. I've been dabbling in it for the past few months and I'm thinking about doing a bit more than just dabbling. The more I look into it the more it makes sense to me. My mum used to be part of a coven, but I don't really know what happened to that. I was really little, but I suppose that because my mum sort of dabbled into it I myself want to be part of that. I've only met two wiccans before in my life, but I read that it's possible to be wiccan and not be part of a circle or coven. Again, I'm only a beginner so don't shoot me if I say something wrong.

You know, I'm not entirely sure If I should be putting this on my blog. Seeing as it's connected to my Facebook, it might not be a good idea. I wasn't doing anything illegal, I just drank a bit. I knew when to stop, though, so that proves that I have way more self control than my mother.

This is a really short entry, seeing as my life is pretty boring right now.  

35: Irene

Mood: Great
Song: Hurricane Venus by BoA (how appropriate)

XXX

So there's this hurricane called "Irene" that's supposed to hit us (well, not directly at us, but you get the point). It's already pouring rain outside, but the worst of it is supposed to hit tonight and tomorrow. We bought a power generator in case the power goes out. Dad made my siblings and I go underneath the bridge we live by and fill grocery bags with sand and put them by all the doors leading outside as well as the door of our storage unit. I'm counting that as my daily dose of exercise. Here's to praying that I don't run out of medication before this whole thing is over. We went grocery shopping and bought a bunch of food and water, so we're pretty much good in the whole food/water department.

So if my internet goes out I won't be able to post for a few days. Not that anyone reads this anymore. I've got, like, two followers and that's it. Not that it matters, of course. I'm doing this blog thing for me. Not anyone else, me.

I've got plenty of books that I have to finish reading, so that's good. And I could draw, or sing, or write music. hopefully I'll be able to charge my laptop with the generator thingy we bought. Hopefully.

So I suppose that;s it for now.

Love,
Leeches <3  

34: Hospitals

Mood: Happy

Song: Madchen aus dem all by Tokio Hotel

XXX

So about my last post. It shall forever remain unfinished. What happened right after writing that? Well...

I cut myself. For the first time in over a month. Then I ran away from home and ended up outside a CVS quite a ways away from my house. I started screaming that I wanted to kill myself and that I was going to die. Some lady tried to do an exorcism on me, and I was rushed to the hospital. Well, according to the police and paramedics anyway. I don't remember much of what happened.

The next day I was driven to Holly Hill Hospital. Again. I was handcuffed and in the back of a police car. Again. Well, at least I could see out of the windows this time. Police vans suck. I spent a total of 12 days there. I got out yesterday.

But I've had a complete change of heart. I witnessed something that completely changed my view of my life. This girl, Edith, whom I was very good friends with, tried to commit suicide while we were walking up the stairs coming from visitation. She jumped off the stairs and fell a good 12 feet or so. She passed out and almost died. Seeing that made me scared. I was afraid that she would die. I realized that the people who witness me hurt myself must be as scared as I was when I saw Edith jump. I realized that my life is so much more privileged than hers. Her adoptive parents were going to send her back to Uganda because (as Edith said) they didn't love her anymore. She has nothing, while I have so much compared to her. I think I'm done with this whole "suicide" thing. Hopefully. 

Apparently one of my "friends" goes to my old high school now. You know, the trailer? Anyway, it pisses me off because now he's good friends with some of my good friends. Do they know how irritating he is? Crazy house, my ass. eh hem. WE'RE NOT FUCKING CRAZY! WE ARE NOT TO BE LABELED! SURE WE HAVE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS AND DISORDERS, BUT THAT DOES NOT MAKE US FUCKING CRAZY! whew. I feel better now. But seriously. It's a psych ward or a mental hospital. Not a fucking loony bin or crazy house. We do not go there because society has thrown us out. We go there for fucking help. He even made a rude remark about how I live in an apartment/condo and he lives in a three story house. I care because? Anyway. I'm much more talented than him. I bet he can't write poetry for shit. Not to mention an entire song.

See? I feel so good about myself! I'm talented. I'm awesome. I'm worth living for. I'm worth loving. I'm worth it enough to stay alive! I'm pretty. I'm...

Okay, so that last one is because of a few people at Holly Hill. This girl thinks I'm sexy (she's really pretty, so it's okay), this guy thinks I'm short and sexy, another guy likes me, and this one girl flat out told me she loved me. I haven't been around people in my age group for so long. Am I pretty? I don't know. But these people think I am. But wait. Don't sexy and pretty mean completely different things? Well, the guy who has a crush on me told me that I'm too pretty to die. That was nice. (although he kept telling people to not touch me because I'm apparently "his girl". Then the girl who kept telling me she loved me would start arguing with him. It was all rather cute, but the girl wasn't). 

The girl who thought I was sexy was only a little less than 14, but she was really pretty. She had this crazy personality that I really liked! Even better than that, I met this lesbian who was in my unit. She was really, really pretty. Unfortunately she only likes studs and I like femmes or lipstick lesbians. I love girls anyway, though. It doesn't matter what your "label" is, because I could fall in love with anybody! Too bad I left the day after she came to the hospital and the day that I found out she was a lesbian. Damn it...

she was really pretty too!

I feel better about myself. <3

And now I'm going to finish reading my Emilie Autumn book :)

Love,

Leeches

33. Christmas

Mood: Kind of Sad

Song: Hate You by 2NE1

XXX

Sometimes I think back to Christmas 2010. That was right before all the bad shit started happening. Right before I learned that all the bad shit had been happening my entire life right under my nose. Back then I thought that all moms acted and drank like mine did. Christmas has never been a big deal to me. I never understood why we even celebrated it. I'm not a Christian at all, so I never saw why I should celebrate it. I suppose the reason I liked Christmas was because my mom expressed her love for us by buying us things. She couldn't physically and emotionally love anyone. So she bought us things. Especially during the holidays. During the holidays I felt that my mom loved me because she bought me things. She'd say they were from Santa or whatever, but I never really believed in that shit. My logic wouldn't allow it.

Now that I live with my dad and Tracy, I'm completely aware that they love me very much. So what is Christmas to me now? Not much. It's still nice because I get to see family, but that's pretty much it. 

Thinking about this makes me upset. I feel like crying right now. But I can't. My sister and her friend are in the bedroom with me. My sister and I share a bedroom, so I no longer have that space in the house where I can just go and cry. I used to go to the park and cry, but I can't since we don't live near a park anymore.I should probably take my medication, but I've lost all hope in getting rid of my anger and depression. Sure, the mood stabilizers keep my moods in check and they aren't as extreme as they used to be, but (zone out) What was I talking about?

So I decided to buy some chocolate. I'm going to get fat one day, I swear. But chocolate helps me sometimes. I can't cry in my house at all because my sister thinks I'm just faking it. But she's going out tonight and it's her turn to babysit tomorrow, which is good. I can cry all I want. But the trouble is that tomorrow I won't want to cry. So I'll have all these tears locked inside me until next time. Then I won't be able to stop it. 

So do I feel like I want to die? Sort of. I know that would be cowardly of me, since it's just a bit of sadness, but clinical depression is different from regular depression. I hurt myself. I like to hurt myself. Some people say they are sad, but I know that it's because "My parent's are fighting" or "My boyfriend cheated on me" or "my sister's being a bitch". I'm sick of putting up with other people's shit. I've tried to kill myself. I've been abused and harassed my entire life. My mother is insane. 

Now i can't cry. I want to, but I can't do it. 

But why am I doing this?

Why am I not hurting myself?

It's so easy!

I just drag the knife across my skin and fucking hurt myself!

It doesn't hurt after a while. Most of the knives we have are pretty dull anyway.

What can they do? Punish me? NO.

[Unfinished Post. Written on Thursday, August 11, 2011]

32: UGH!

Mood: Pretty pissed off...

Song: Hey You by Tokio Hotel

XXX

So this morning I woke up and went over to the house I babysit at. I got there at around nine, let myself in, and waited for the kids to arrive (they were staying with their mom, but I babysit them at their dad's house) for AN ENTIRE FUCKING HOUR!!!! So then I call my step mom and she texts or calls the kid's mom. I don't get any notification from the mom or dad, but I got a text from Tracy (step mom) saying that the kids wouldn't be there today. I wasted an entire hour of my life waiting for those kids (and watching Demyx Time...). I think I should be payed for an entire day. 

So in total I'm only going to make about ten bucks from babysitting. I need a real job...

I had rehearsal for Dreams Presents (a big show that's put on every year at Thalian Hall down town) Monday and Tuesday. I got bored afterwards (cause my dad couldn't take me home till 2:30 or so because of work) so I walked around down town. Yesterday I spent about thirteen bucks on iced chai tea at Port City Javas. I also bought a bagel and didn't choke on it like I did last week. Didn't spend much time in the library, but I put "Kissing Kate" on hold for me. I should be getting it tomorrow (Friday).

I suppose that's it...

Love,

Leeches

P.S. I HATE THE WHOLE "SCENE KID" THING. IT'S SO FREAKING MAINSTREAM! IT WAS COOL BEFORE IT WAS COOL. NOW IT'S JUST STUPID. KIND OF LIKE TWILIGHT...ESPECIALLY WHEN TWELVE YEAR OLDS TRY TO PULL IT OFF. SORRY FOR THE ALL CAPS...LOVE YA!

31: I'm Angry

Mood: See title

Song: Hate You by 2NE1 (No relevance intended)

XXX

Ya know what pisses me off? When people have the nerve to talk to me and call a psych ward or mental hospital a "loony bin" or "crazy house" or some other shit like that. I was on the phone with a friend today and he wouldn't stop calling it that. I'm like "Excuse me? Are you honestly calling me crazy? None of us in that ward were crazy. We just have mental illnesses. I am NOT fucking crazy!"

Makes me wanna choke a bitch.

It also pisses me off when you spend two hours on the phone with someone and all they do is talk about themselves. Now, this isn't the same person who was calling the psych ward the crazy house (or whatever he said), but I have enough problems right now. I'd rather NOT be pissed off at two people during the same day, thank you very much.

I also hate it when people complain about their petty problems like "Oh my boyfriend broke up with me I'm so depressed!" Excuse me honey, but if you want something to be depressed about please walk a few miles in my size five heels for a change. I'm not saying I have it really bad. Most of my issues are mental anyway. But that also means that there is almost nothing I can do physically to make it better. You can go get a new boyfriend. I can't just go and get a new mom. Or brain. Or childhood.

So today I bought some sharpie pens at the Walgreens I live near. I spent a good twenty minutes standing in line because the people in front of me had A BINDER FULL OF COUPONS. Who knows how long they'd been there before I'd gotten in line? So I spent the twenty minutes making weird faces at their baby. I was buying TWO THINGS. two things! And I waited in line for twenty minutes!

So I guess that's it for today. 

Luv ya,

Leeches

30: Wie geht es Ihnen?

Mood: Musical :)

Song: Freunde Bleiben by Tokio Hotel

XXX

German music is beast. Not even kidding. I'm not really into metal as much as I used to be, so I love artists like Tokio Hotel, Blumchen, LaFee, Cascada, and stuff like that. Listening to that kind of music is helping me immerse myself in German so I can learn the language better.

I made a bunch of note cards yesterday and I'm NOT moving on to lesson eight until I can count to ten, know my basic colours, name the days and months, and can say basic greetings and answers...in German. 

It's Friday, which means that I got paid for babysitting. I was supposed to be paid 31 bucks but instead I was paid 23. I'm so pissed off right now. That's a whole four hours I didn't get paid for.

Tonight I rocked out at karaoke in a local bar/restaurant. I sang Bad Romance by GaGa and White Horse by Taylor Swift. It. Was. Awesome. I seriously need to do that more often. Being up in front of people and singing is what I do best :) 

So I suppose that's it for now, It's after eleven and my medication is going to kick in soon. Happy Friday, everyone <3

Love,

Leeches

29: Hentai

Mood: Stable

Song: I wanna go by Britney Spears

XXX

hello.

So today my step mom gave me and my sister "the talk" while we were on our way to Walmart to get hair cuts. She was unable to explain the "lesbian" aspect of one's sex life, but I wasn't paying attention anyway. I was already aware of everything she told us. I have no plans to have sex with ANYONE for quite a while, thank you very much (unless Lady GaGa or X-Tina knocks on my front door any time soon, and I don't really see that happening in my future...).

After all that talk of sex, I decided to jump back on the yuri/yaoi bandwagon again. I haven't watched yaoi in MONTHS, and I haven't watched any yuri since my mom discovered my yuri folder on my flash drive a few months back (before she, ya know...left) and told me to "get this gay shit off your computer. it's corrupting yoooo!"

So I think I'm actually out of my yaoi phase. Yaoi was never really a "turn on" or anything, I just liked it because it was different. I've already watched the crap out of all the good ones (the NON pornographic ones, anyway...), and I just don't find it...interesting anymore. That doesn't mean I'll never watch it again, but, you know.

So instead, I've decided to watch yuri. I found a list of good looking ones. The only problem is the fact that I'm worried about someone checking my web history. Half the titles I want to watch can only be found on websites with the word "hentai" in them. okay, so most of the titles I want to watch are hentai, but all it takes is a simple google search of "what is hentai" for my cover to be blown. I KNOW it's porn. I'm fully aware of it. But...but...yuri is something I can totally get into! I mean, sure yaoi's great, but yuri is actually relatable! 

See, I don't watch "regular porn". I find anime lesbian hentai to be rather entertaining. I mean, it's different! it's not real people! it's really hot anime characters! There's logic in what I'm trying to say, but no words can express it. I'm actually kind of afraid to go on a hentai website. I don't know, I mean...I KNOW what kind of anime I'm getting into, but I'm just scared of running into something else. 

So that's my little rant of the day (this blog is slowly losing it's point...or perhaps it never had a point?). I saw a flash of lightening outside my window. Today I studied German for a total of three hours and learned one thing: how to say good day/afternoon/morning/night, goodbye, and how to count to three. I feel so fucking accomplished...

<3

Leeches

28: SO MANY LINKS! no..not the video game.

Mood: relatively normal.

Song: As You Were by....ME! LEECHES LOLITA!

XXX

Dear whoever,

So I decided to put myself out there. No...I'm not becoming a prostitute and I already "came out" about a year ago. I'm talking about the internet. I'm posting links everywhere. I made a fan page for myself (as Leeches Lolita. doing the five of us would be rather difficult), and put up a video of my song As You Were up on youtube. I'm going to be doing a lot more music in the future...

I really want to get serious about this. Music is my life. I NEED to do this. I tried to do this a few months ago, but the song I sang was crap. Crap lyrics, crap tune, crap singing. This time around I'm becoming serious. that means writing every day. Recording every day. Working my ass off, even if it means only moving an inch forward. That's how it is. It's so hard to make it in the entertainment business. I've always wanted to be a performer, but I never really went for it. I've been acting since I was seven (that includes singing and dancing), but it's always been for community theatre. nothing huge. 

I haven't written in a few days, but that's because I've been doing a lot. MY ASYLUM BOOK CAME!!!! and I've been reading that. I also picked up the first volume of the Cirque du Freak series, and so far it's awesome. I'll look into the manga as well :)

I am anamoured with Madonna right now. Like, in a totally not-creepy-lesbian way. She's amazing. Not quite on the EA or Kerli level of amazing,  but still amazing. She made pop music what it is today!

So enough of my rambling, click the links to my twitter and facebook page and like me/follow me or whatever. I need support, and I'm seriously serious about this. I'm getting old, man! I know this'll take years and I'm kind of just doing wishful thinking, but...

Anyway, back to reality. I'm babysitting tomorrow, which should be interesting. I'm gonna learn me some German!

Love,

Leeches Lolita

27: Mum's "Interesting" Text

Mood: WTF

Song: On the Floor by Jennifer Lopez

XXX

Dear XXX

So this morning just as I'm heading out the door to go babysit, I get a text saying that I'm not needed till around 12:30. Again. This sucks because that means I'm only going to make about 13 bucks today. I'm only working two days today, and my plan was to make 40 so my total would be about 95 bucks. I was going to split the total and put half into savings (blah) and spend the other on crap I need. That is the reason for my WTF mood.

My sister hasn't been home all weekend, which really takes away some of the WTF mood, however. She'll be back tonight because she has to babysit tomorrow. I can't do Tuesdays because of group.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow at nine in the morning and group at four. So...and since neither my dad or step mom can really leave work to get me, I guess I'll be hanging out at the library all day till my dad gets off work at two thirty. Sucks, really. I just went last week.

So according to a text SM (actually...that's supposed to stand for "step mom",  but I KNOW someone is going to interpret that the wrong way) got my mother has been involuntarily institutionalized (hold for applause and rabid cheering). The thing is, I think she's trying to make us all feel guilty. The text was from her boyfriend's phone, but the wording made it look like my mum had written it. NOBODY can possibly have that much sympathy for her. I can totally see her lying about something like this. She's supposed to be living with her boyfriend, but was apparently institutionalized in a different city. That makes sense, how?

It doesn't. We all think she's lying. I'm praying to the god I don't believe in that she isn't. But she's a compulsive liar, so the odds that she isn't are very slim. the text said that she was trying to hurt herself.

Wait a second...

She's got way too much pride to hurt herself. She's bulimic, and throwing up is the only self destructive behaviour (along with unsafe driving, drinking, and eating) that she's ever displayed. I know my mom pretty well, and I know she wouldn't try to kill herself. The whole pain thing is MY trait. She's just trying to make us all feel sorry for her so she doesn't have to show up in court this month. I know this because she's spent her entire adult life doing that. In her (retarded) game of life, the guilt card is her favourite one to play. It's always been like that. The text completely glorified herself. I don't believe it one bit.

"Steve's" text kept saying that he was crying when they took her to the hospital.

(deep breath) WHAT THE FUCK???? And she thinks nobody cried when I was institutionalized??? She's got no idea how my dad must have felt when the police put those handcuffs on me. I cried. I felt like a horrible person. No matter how many times they told me I'd done nothing wrong, I still thought myself to be a horrible person.

I'll talk about my time at Holly Hills hospital in a later post. There's so much more to this story, but I can't talk about it anymore. I know that it sounds like I'm being a complete bitch about this, but you don't know my mum. If she really is in a hospital, then that's where she needs to be. Perhaps something good will come out of this.

Love,

Leeches. <3 (do emoticons work on this thing???)