26: Them Damn Voices

Mood: Not sure. it's leveling out, though, thanks to the meds.

Song: Government Hooker by Lady GaGa

XXX

Anybody see a difference in how this blog looks? I sure as fuck do! Yesterday when I was bored I decided to give this blog a makeover. I rather like it! 

I have to sit through today, tomorrow, and Monday before I can get my Emilie Autumn book. It's scheduled to arrive by the end of Monday, but I'm not going to get my hopes up.

I has awesome news. I HAVEN'T HEARD THE VOICES IN ABOUT TWO WEEKS! That includes beeping and screaming. So happy! I remember before the medication I'd often hear my mom telling me to do things, or calling for me since she'd order me around and yell at me when I lived with her. It's been happening since I was little. it even happened when I moved in with my dad in February! That's gone. I'm beginning to come to terms with her being gone. She hasn't written in quite a while, so for now she's dead to me. 

It's not just my mom I'd hear. My mom's voice is/was always quieter then the regular set of voices I'd hear. often hear several voices (I can't tell if it's male of female voices, but the screaming is always obviously female) that seem to come from behind me. Sometimes it's quiet, but more often than not it's really loud. louder than my mom. They come from behind me, whereas I can't tell where my mom's voice comes from. Usually from "upstairs" or in a room with a closed door, even if the building I'm in doesn't have an upstairs. That's probably because my mom spent so much time in her bedroom in the upstairs of the house we lived in , telling me to do things or yelling at me, that her "voice" comes to me from "upstairs". That's confusing. 

I think that if I can get her voice to completely leave me alone I'll be able to let my mom go. I often hear my mom yelling when I'm trying to go to sleep, because she often fought with my dad or screamed at my step dad in the middle of the night. At this point I don't even care about the other voices. I just want hers to leave me alone. Once hers goes away, it'll be easier to deal with the others.

The other voices tell me things often. Like, "you suck." "you should just die." "why don't you cut yourself, bitch." And often, it's easier to just do what they say. To cut myself. That ties in with my tolerance/love for pain. Not only do I get a release from it, but it shuts up those damn voices. It's been getting easier to ignore them, though. I put my iPod on and turn the volume all the way up. I drown out the voices. It really helps. I keep telling myself that they aren't really there. 

So I hope that makes it a bit clearer of what I'm kind of going through. I don't want pity, I just want someone to understand. If you have the same problems I do, I want you to understand that you really aren't alone. That's what this blog is about. it's a story. That's why I want you to begin reading from the beginning. Because trust me...it'll be a lot easier to understand.

Love,

Leeches Lolita <3

Post Twenty Five: Babysitting Irks

Mood: Irritated

Song: Kidz Bop. Nah, I'm just kidding. I'm listening to There She Goes by Sixpence.

XXX

Dear blog,

You know what irritates me? When you wake up at six to get ready for a long day of babysitting only to receive a text message saying that you don't need to come in till after lunch. I was completely ready and everything! So I'm only going to end up making about eight bucks today. I get payed two bucks an hour (which is kind of sucky for me...but I need the money so I shouldn't be complaining. Those corsets/manga/college isn't going to pay for itself, after all), and I'll only be working for four hours today. I spent six hours downloading anime off the iTunes store so I'd have something to do today! Oh well, at least I have a ton for next week. 

This morning I had toast with butter and jam. I'm feeling a bit sick, so I'm praying that the butter wasn't bad or anything.

My book could possibly arrive this afternoon. I'm seriously doubting it though, since the last day in the expected arrival range is Thursday the fourth. I just want it. I hope it doesn't  get lost in the mail...

Disappointed with this post? Good. So am I. The last couple have been rather boring. Probably because I'm in the middle of the more "normal" part of my mood cycle (ha ha moodcycle. lol). I'll probably be back to being raving mad and super depressed in a few weeks :)

Thank ya for readn',

Leeches Lolita

Post Twenty Four: Something Good Happened

Mood: Ecstatic

Song: Grind by Angelspit

XXX

Dear whoever is reading this,

I got an email this morning. Not just any email, though. The email stating that my ASYLUM book should be arriving in the mail soon. MY WAIT IS OVER! I need to start making bookmarks now. That book is way too good for just little scraps of paper, like I usually use. 

I've been drawing a lot lately. Mostly fetish models, show girls, strippers, and Victorian ladies in their underwear. Weird? I think so, but who really gives a shit. I decided to be stupid and show the little girl I babysat yesterday a bunch of my drawings. Oops...

Not much to report, though. I've still been feeling over the top happy. Surprised my dad can sleep through it!

Love,

Leeches Lolita :)

Post Twenty Three: Actually, I've lost count

Mood: Super fucking excited!

Song: Jugular by Angelspit 

XXX

Dear...who gives a shit anymore? I'm sick of coming up with names.

Anyway......So I've totally split myself into five personas. it's like having five singers in one body.  Let me introduce them to you :)

1. Lolita: cutesy girl who sings about cute things

2. Winter Wings: a faerie who sings about...faerie things. 

3. Sally Suicide: a dark girl who sings about suicide. Mostly slow songs. She doesn't sing about how painful it must be to die, but she likes the thought of suicide in a weird strange way. sings about how tragic but necessary death is.

4. Lexie: Basically me. Sings songs about Leech's (me) life. My most honest songs are written by her. 

5. MurderTits. totally my favourite out of all five. I could totally dedicate myself to just her if I wanted. She was inspired by Emilie Autumn, Angelspit, and various metal and electronic bands/singers. She sings about cannibalism and murder and self destruction and suicide (in a very glorified way). She's a cannibal. However, none of my other personas are, so therefore my brain just exploded.

Did I mention that I write lyrics and music? No? Well I do. I used to have all my songs in one big folder, but it's gotten easier and more fun to be able to put them in five different folders,  based on which persona has written the song. This is a really confusing concept, so if you understand I totally love you.

And now for something completely different.

Today I babysat. I broke up a fight between a twelve year old and his seven year old sister. I drew rainbows with a little girl for two and a half hours. I also almost wrote a graphic sex scene for my novel, but ended up chickening out. I can hardly read about that stuff (unless it's lesbians, of course....*smug face*), so writing it is like torture. but the book is pure genius in my opinion. I'll probably end up getting one of my friends to write it for me.

yesterday I went to the orthodontist. They stuck a big ass wire on the roof of my mouth. Now my pills get stuck in it and I end up choking every time I try to eat something. Eating anything but noodles is painful. I took  enough ibuprofen to fill a Walgreen's today. Not that I'm a druggie...its just that ibuprofen is my go to medicine for whenever I'm in pain (also, it's all we have in the house). Cramps, headaches, growing pains (they don't actually signify that I'm growing...I'm still retardedly short), and dental pain. I just hope that I don't become immune to it. Because Tylenol doesn't work for me anymore.

Today I drank tea with one sugar packet rather than two today. I've been feeling abnormally hyper the past two and a half days. I've been driving my whole family up the wall. :)

Love,
MurderTits...Leeches...ah...not sure.

Post Twenty Two: Actually, I lost count.

Mood: depressed

Song: 100% by Angelspit 

XXX

I hate it when someone does something or says something to you and no matter how hard you try to forget about it random stuff keeps reminding you of it. That's what's been happening to me ever since my former best guy friend said...those things...to me on Facebook. Just random stuff is reminding me of that. He never once said he was sorry for me. My mom had left a few days before. He wanted to take advantage of the fact that I was emotionally unstable. All he talked about was things he wanted to do to me and how "nice my boobs are". Fucking loser, that's what he is. 

The song "faces like mine" can relate perfectly to my situation. Yet, I keep listening to it. Why? because when I listen to it I feel like I'm making sense of the situation. Like I'm not alone. Because I'm obviously not. Girls half my age have been raped by men twice his age. I shouldn't be complaining, right? Well I am. because we were best friends for over two years. And he betrayed me. We had that kind of relationship where if I needed someone to go talk to, he'd be the one I'd spill my heart out to. And he took advantage of that.

What's his name? I'll tell you. Because I don't give a fuck how he feels. He's just sorry he ever got caught.

Scott. That's his name. And i hate him.

I think I'm going to cut tonight. When everyone's asleep, I'm going to take a steak knife and cut myself. Why? Because I fucking feel like it. I hope your fucking ecstatic, Scott. Because you've hurt me. And I'm hurting myself for you. If I fucking get locked up in another fucking hospital it'll because you wanted to fucking rape me. I hate you. I hate you.

Today I wrote a song about him. It's called "Jumping the Fence". I never thought I'd hurt myself because of a person. I always thought I cut myself  because inside that's what I felt like doing. But now my mom and Scott and so many other people have caused me to hurt myself. Does that make me a loser?

Today I babysat. The seven year old girl just watched tv most of the day, and her older brother slept and played video games all day. Easiest twenty bucks I've ever made.

Love, cookies, and knives,
Lolita

Post Twenty One: Ugh...Cant. Think. Of. Title...

Mood: irritated
Song: Ich Bin Ich by LaFee

XXX

Dear...ya know what? who really cares at this point.

So people don't take me seriously. Because I'm short. Nobody really believes that I'm seventeen. And a half.
End of rant.
I have nothing else to report, really.
Um...yea?
Okay,
Bye,
Leeches.

Post Twenty: Leeches' Fabulous Adventure (to the public library)

Mood: You really shouldn't ask me that at nine in the morning when I just woke up...

Song: Angst by LaFee

XXX

Dear Blogger.com

So yesterday I had an appointment (for my medication to make sure it's still working and stuff) at ten forty five in the morning. Shortly after that my step mom left work to drop me off at the library. So I spent most of yesterday at the library. I checked out a total of six books and one audio book. Why?

Because I'm learning German.

And Japanese, but I'm dedicating my time to German. Because German is a sexy language (people keep asking why I think that. They just haven't heard it enough)

Oh. I also got Dune on 18 CD's because all the copies of the book in the county are lost. How does that happen?! I'm currently downloading them onto my computer. Since I don't have a CD player anymore.

So anyway, my thighs hurt. No clue why, they just do.

On Wednesday (today I Saturday) I made six bucks watching a little kid that lives across the street from our apartment complex. Two bucks an hour to sit in someone's house and read. Awesome. I'd totally do it again.

So I'm slowly losing hope that my book will arrive sometime next week. Sigh, this is very depressing.

With love from,

Leeches.

Post Nineteen: I should shut up now...

Mood: Good.

Song: Broke by Natalia Kills

XXX

So the day before yesterday I had group. About two months ago I began to realize something. I TALK WAY TOO MUCH. Perhaps it's just me? No...I mean, one of the girls even asked a question pertaining to her brother who talked too much. That's probably code for LEECHES NEEDS TO SHUT HER TRAP! She even looked at me while she said it. Perhaps I'm just paranoid? This a serious problem, though. I always leave group feeling guilty that I talked too much.

I'm seriously trying to talk less, but I can't help it! I just...say stuff. I can't really stop talking so much. Sometimes I just forget that I'm trying to be quiet.

Did you know that infidelity is illegal in North Carolina (the boring as hell state I take up residence in)? So apparently my step dad is suing my mom for cheating on him ALL THE FUCKING TIME. As in...since like FOREVER she's been meeting my uncle (my dad's sister's husband) to have sex with him. She would even ditch my dad or step dad at bars and go home with strange men! So why is my dad not bothering with suing her? Because he's smart and has decided to just get over it like the rest of us have. Step dad seems to be the only one whose still ranting and raving about it. I mean, who gives a fuck if your fucking wife ditched you, this is my fucking MOTHER. As in, the woman who gave birth to me? 

Well, she often likes to say to me that the only reason she married my dad was because she got pregnant with me. I feel so loved...

THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is why I became a lesbian. (awkward silence)

Nah, not really. I kind of was a lesbian before I knew my mom was bat shit insane.

In other news, EA'S BOOK STILL HASN'T ARRIVED.

Too much caps lock.

Love,

Leeches.

Post Eighteen: Hello, I am a filthy Victorian!

Mood: ya know what? I'm actually feeling alright :)

Song I'm Listening To: Swallow (Filthy Victorian Remix) by Emilie Autumn <3

XXX

Dear cyberspace,

So yesterday I took my measurements and looked through different websites that sold Japanese clothing (and Chinese knock offs of Japanese clothing since I'm poor and jobless, living in my parent's house) and learnt that I can actually buy adult sized clothing from those websites! okay, so maybe not shoes (I'm a size five in adults. Never seen it in a store before? Good. neither have I), but a good portion of clothes on those sites. The skirts fall a little closer to my knees than they're supposed to, but judging from my measurements they'd fit pretty well. And a lot of websites I've looked at do custom orders as well! 

I am a filthy Victorian. 

I am a Lolita (I'm totally changing my name to that when I get older XD )

I am a lot of things, and I blame Japanese clothing and Emilie Autumn for it.

When I get older I'm going to dedicate a portion of my pay cheque to clothing. I'm going to buy all or most of my clothing online, because often you can get better prices if you look hard enough (shipping can be a bit pricey, but it's worth it in the end).

This was a rather boring post, but I'd like to post on here as much as possible.

Love,

Leeches

Post Seventeen: Untitled

Mood: my sister is an annoying little brat. (does that count?)

Song I'm Listening to: Stars are blind by...(shutter)...Paris Hilton. ew....

XXX

Dear Computer,

My sister is always irritating me. Because she's got nothing better to do, unless her irritating little friends come over. I swear to the god I don't believe in that when I was in seventh grade I was NOT that irritating. I didn't even really have any friends. I just kind of sat on the playground and wrote poetry with chalk. 

I'm kind of obligated to love her anyway, though.

This morning (at fucking 8:15 in the morning) I had therapy. We talked about my mom, and how she ISN'T going to show up at court next month. I'm stopped keeping track of what my parents go to court for, since I kind of stopped caring. I have group today as well.

This morning I had subway. I had five bucks on a subway gift card I got a few months ago, so I decided to spend the rest of it. I was hungry. I kind of miss eating bacon (I'm a vegetarian, but I eat fish. is that cheating?). I used to ALWAYS get a BLT when I went to subway. I hate their tuna. It disgusts me. And makes me nauseous.

That's it for now. 

To be honest I don't really care if anyone reads this. It's kind of like a diary that anyone can read if they give a crap.

Pancakes, Syrup, and the nonexistent country of Prussia,

 Leeches Lolita <3 

Post Sixteen: In Which I remember

Mood: on a scale of one to five, I'd be about a two.

Song I Am Listening To: Ich Will Immer Wieder..dieses fieber spuer'n by Helene Fischer (love me some German pop music (: ) <--- look! a turtle!)

XXX

Dear Internet Explorer (you suck!) eh hem...

So I woke up at a quarter to three this morning and haven't slept since. You could say my sleeping habits are getting better. Some dead guy did say "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man health, wealthy, and wise". I went to bed at around nine of so. So this is great!

Yesterday I went through some of my old poetry and lyrics I'd written years ago. I realized that I was a very poetic little twelve year old. And then I look at the shit I write these days. But I suppose, looking back at it five years from now It'll look great. Years ago I thought the stuff I'd written was horrible. But now it looks good! hmm

So I tried to read a lemon featuring Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy. I couldn't do it. I don't know, it just seemed weird is all. Maybe it's because I grew up with reading about them, that it just seems gross these days. And yet I'm perfectly fine with reading anime lemons (reading it is NOT the same thing as writing about it. Or watching it). Maybe because I didn't grow up with watch anime (Pokemon does NOT count)? Hmm.

Last night I bought a shit ton of German pop music. German is my fetish language. I love French too, but there's just something about the German language that's so...what's the word??? Anyway, I'm absolutely in love with Helene Fischer and LaFee and Blumchen. 

So I guess that's it. It's about 8:15 am now, so I might update later. If I remember. Not that anyone reads this shit anyway...

Post Fifteen: Excuse my French...

Mood: For a person who never sleeps I sure am tired an awful lot...
Song I'm Listening To: Gefühle wie Feuer und Eis by Helene Fischer

XXX

Dear www.bruises-and-bitemarks.blogger.com (or whatever my URL is)

Today I woke up at around 7:45 AM. That's gotta be the earliest I've woken up this summer (minus camp). I'm probably going to go take a nap when I'm done writing.

I know four phrases in french. One means "hello", the second means "Thank you", and the last two I don't feel like repeating.

Oh, alright. the third one means "threesome", and the last one means "fuck me". Note: I have never been in a situation where I've ever had to use those words. Nope...

The Book isn't here yet.

My cuts are healing! unfortunately my left arm kind of looks like someone went after me with a butcher's knife. I don't want to get any sun because I'm trying to look paler. So...those scars are gonna be there for a long time. Whatever...

I guess that's it! Nothing interesting happened. My sister has ANOTHER friend over. ugh...

Lemons, lesbians, and orange juice (lol...wut?)
Leeches Lolita

Post Fourteen: Ima Recluse!!!11

Mood: I have no idea. Stop asking me, woman!

Song I'm Listening To: Princess Chaos by Angelspit

XXX

Dear...nope. I got nothing. 

So I just realized that ever since camp ended two and a half weeks ago I've become something of a recluse. By that I mean that all I've been doing is sitting at my computer and either writing in my blog, reading smutty fan fiction, watching eggs blow up in microwaves on YouTube, or (re)writing my novel. Except for Tuesdays. Because Tuesdays are when I have group, and I only have private therapy every other week. I usually don't know about when i have private therapy until the day of or the day before.

I am now taking 3 risperdal. I'm not sure how many mg's that adds up to. I'm too stupid to do math. My grades in school gave me no reason to argue that statement. At all.

So I need to find someone willing to write a sex scene for me. It's one thing to read about gay love, it's a whole other thing to write about it. Trust me. Or don't; it's your choice.

I still have candy left over from the movies. One bag of twenty something Twizzlers, and a box (yes, a box) of M&M's. 

I've kind of become a stalker. See, for the past week I've had Emilie Autumn's Twitter page open on my computer to make sure I catch every tweet she tweets (lol...wut?). It's because I'm waiting for an update on the Book! It's nothing creepy...

So I suppose that's it for today. My posts are getting shorter and shorter. Mostly because I'm getting better at getting straight to the point. So...I have no followers yet, so that means that NOBODY has followed the directions at the bottom of the page (that might be why...) to START AT THE FIRST POST! ah well...

Peace, love, and gummy worms (not the sour kind, those are gross);

Leeches Lolita  

Post Thirteen: OMG IT'S OVER!!!

Mood: eh...you know...

Song I'm Listening To: Shalott by Emilie Autumn (She's all I listen to these days...)

XXX

Dear World,

Guess who saw the Harry Potter midnight release last night??? I DID! And so the legacy of Harry Potter is OVER. Now I have to find something else to obsess over. Maybe I should read Lord of the Rings? I never did finish the movies (I fell asleep in the middle of the second one. Not because it was boring! But because risperdal can be a bitch sometimes), and I tried reading the books a few years ago. As I stated last post "Mirror's Edge doesn't teach common sense. You're supposed to have some before playing the game". The plot was too difficult to catch. Not because I'm stupid! Because I was twelve. Perhaps I should get into Dune? That's a whole bunch of books. Perhaps??? Dunno. Sure, I'm obsessed with Hetalia, but once the dub is released It'll be over. Fullmetal Alchemist is already over. Which makes me sad. Ugh. Everything is ENDING for me!

Today I slept till noon. Because I was up till four. Because of the Harry Potter movie.

My friend is going to drag me to see Breaking Dawn apparently. UGH. I hate Twilight. I liked the first book. If Mayers had ended the series there, I'd have been happy. But NOOOO. she had to CONTINUE the books. I never even finished Breaking Dawn the book. I still have twenty pages left. Guess when I bought it? The day it came out. What kind of vampire sparkles and refuses to attack humans and make them bleed to death in a bloody array of gory awesomeness? A pansy vampire, that's what. I stand by my opinion until the day I die. NOBODY ARGUE!

I didn't update yesterday because I had shit to do. nah, not really. I just forgot.

I have spent the last three hours crying over Harry Potter fan fiction on ff.net. I apparently ship Harry and Draco for some creepy reason. Also I think that Ginny and Cho would make a cute couple. Please don't ask me why, I'm not entirely sure myself.

So that's it for now. My EA book is shipping out over the next couple of days. EA said so herself!

Wands, broomsticks, and butterbeer,

Leeches. 

Post Twelve: The reason I will never be a ninja

Mood: Tired. Daddy woke me up before noon today!

Song I'm Listening To: Nothing. iTunes is being a bitch today.

XXX

Dear Internet Explorer:

So...I was playing Mirror's Edge (the copy that DOESN'T freeze up) and I realized that that game is the reason I will never be a ninja. I also learned that that game DOESN'T teach common sense. You're kind of supposed to have some before you start playing. I have trouble doing two different things with my right and left hand, so you can imagine that changing my view WHILE running away from people shooting at me is a rather difficult task. Nonetheless, the game is very fun. 

That being said, I rather like the game play in Final Fantasy 13: run in a straight line, and press A repeatedly until you kill whatever you're fighting. You don't even have to know what you're doing! Which is great for me...

Today my trileptal went up. Does that mean that my random  bursts of anger will stop? Because I don't think I can afford another laptop once I smash this one to bits next time I get pissed off at youtube for loading videos too slow (which is actually normally my internet connection's fault, but I never said I was smart, now did I).

We have no food in our house. So today I ate a bowl of honey nut cheerios for lunch. 

In other news, 154 people have viewed this blog. I'm not entirely sure how many of those views are mine. 

Yesterday I went to the library with intentions of checking out a copy of Hamlet. Since my local library is retarded and doesn't carry a copy of Hamlet, I ended up checking out a copy of the complete works of Shakespeare. Which can be both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I heart Shakespeare, and a curse because I'll never actually finish that book. I'm only reading Hamlet because of Ophelia.

I wrote this post in ten minutes. Be proud. 

Love,

Leeches.

P.S. my Asylum... book hasn't arrived yet. I haven't even received the tracking number in my email yet! Which worries me... 

Post Eleven: What is this, I don't even...!

Mood: Grrr...

Song I'm Listening To: Walking on Air by Kerli

XXX

So last night. I don't think it was a panic attack. I was trying to sleep (it was around one am), but I couldn't. My medication wasn't letting me sleep for some reason. Anyway, It started as tossing and turning in bed, and then I got up! I started pacing, and I eventually started squirming around where I stood. I started beating my legs with my fists. I was fully aware of what I was doing, but I couldn't control it. The pain felt...neutral. I didn't really care. It wasn't much of a release since I wasn't bleeding my guts out (wait...what?). I'm not entirely sure what was going on. Then my dad found me and grabbed my hands. He was laughing and told me to stop! he fucking told me to stop. Yea, thanks dad. Then I took another risperdal. And fell asleep and hour later. 

How do I deal with stuff like this? Well...I have a horrible memory. In about a weeks time I'll forget this even happened (unless somebody decides to be a smart ass and bring it up). I guess that over the years I've found a way of coping with the random weird creepy scary stuff I do to myself. I forget. Or it becomes a distant memory, even if it happened a few hours previous. It's my way of dealing with things.

But I don't even know what happened, or what the trigger was.

Today I had therapy and group. One after the other (therapy, then group). It was good. I think I talk too much during group. I'm really self conscious about it. I'm going to work on staying quieter, like I used to.

Well, I suppose that's it for today. 

Tea, crumpets, and sexy British accents,

Leeches

Post Ten: I'm A Spastic Weirdo

Mood: Sleepy. 

Song I'm Listening To: Opheliac by Emilie Autumn (Google Chrome says that Opheliac isn't a word. Suck it!)

XXX

Dear Google Chrome,

Look at the title. Yup. That's what a lot of people call me. Even if they don't say it, I know they're thinking it. That's fine...I've learned to live with it and accept it. 

What do I spaz out about? Hmm...anime...video games...EMILIE AUTUMN....Kerli...manga...when I see gay people on TV...I'm strange.

Everyone is a total spaz about their own thing. With my sister, it's T. Mills (ugh...). With that one girl at camp it's yaoi. With my brother it's Halo (doesn't matter which one...). With two thirds of the world's population of twelve year old girls it's Justin Beiber. With Enoby from My Immortal it's anything "goffic". Point is, we all spaz out about our own things. Everybody does it (don't interpret that the way I think you're going to).

Yesterday I spent a good portion of the day on Twitter tweeting back and forth with a fellow Plague Rat the lines to the EA song Gothic Lolita. I started it with the first line, she did the second, and so on and so forth. Well...we started at the chorus, but that's alright :) It was fun! We're not finished, but...

Yesterday I drew. I drew pictures. I drew pictures of girls in EA inspired attire. It was great. I haven't drawn in such a long time, my hand felt awkward as I brought the pencil down upon the paper for the first few times. It was like the first time...only I didn't completely suck at it (again, don't interpret that the way I think you're going to). 

I started singing "Ms. Lucy Had Some Leeches" by EA, and my sister started (attempted) to draw a leech. At first it had legs and ears and kind of looked like a termite. Then it looked like a fish (it still had ears). In the end, it never did end up looking like a leech, but it was still cute.

My sister asked me what a corset was. My dad decided to answer her question. He sounds so funny when he says the word "boobs". lol. 

So this is the tenth post!!! (Throws confetti) This calls for a cup of tea with gin...ger. Yay! 

Leeches, muffins, and plague rats,

Leeches Lolita

You can email me at: leecheslolita@yahoo.com  

   

Post Nine: Cutting Und Die Pain (I butcher languages as a hobby)

Mood: Decent. I has strawberry smoothie from McDonald's. other than that, I don't feel attached to my body. is that normal???

Song I'm Listening To: Like a Prayer by Madonna

XXX

Dear Interwebz,

Cutting. Why do we do it? Because we want attention? No! In fact, if I could become invisible, I'd be the happiest girl in the world! I hate attention. Then why am I on stage all the time? Because I like acting and singing and dancing. Why do I dress crazy? Because fashion is awesome. I wish people would leave me alone. 

Do we do it because our friends do it? No! None of my friends cut. In fact, they don't even care that I do it. They keep telling me I shouldn't do it, but usually they're pretty indifferent. They don't give a shit most of the time. Lately I've been separating myself from most of my friends. Mostly because I have less than nothing in common with them.

We all have different reasons, but I do it because of an impulse. When I'm feeling sad enough I can't help but hurt myself. Same thing goes if I'm feeling just so out of control. I feel like the only thing about myself that I can control is the cutting. I can slice myself any way I want. The only thing I can't control is stopping or not doing it. I HAVE to do it. So you might think that that means that I can't control it? Well...to me it feels like there's a part of the cutting I can control. It's confusing.

Do I ever feel like I want to kill myself? Every fucking day. Even if I'm super happy ecstatic. But do you know how hard it is to go tell your daddy "Hey! I feel like killing myself today! What cha gonna do about it?" you can't. Simple as that. So when it gets really bad I go to the bathroom and cut. More often than not, though, it's enough to just go read some smut on the computer until I calm down. Not really, but you get the point.

Sometimes I beat myself. Once, I spent two hours punching my pillow and screaming because I was just so damn angry. Pretty soon that whole scenario morphed into me hitting myself instead. Is it because I just want to feel pain? Do I have some sort of psychotic fetish for pain? Do I enjoy pain?

Yes. I do. I admit it. I like pain. When my sister and I were younger we used to get into fist fights. I remember  spurring her on so that she'd hit me more. Even now, in the rare occasion that we do end up hitting each other, I'll slap her and she'll try and beat me up. It's not just her, though. Sometimes I ask people to hit me. My friends even. They always think I'm joking. But I'm not. 

I've written songs about it. I don't ALWAYS love pain. It's the kind of pain that's self inflicted or purposely inflicted by others. Like, If I stub my toe or get a paper cut, I hate that kind of pain. I also hate internal pain. Like the kind of pain my mum would "unknowingly" inflict on me. I don't even mind injections, even though I say I hate it. I honestly don't mind it when doctors stab me with needles.

Now, I'm not saying that I want to be raped. I'm not saying that I want my future girlfriend or whatever to beat me. It's confusing. I don't know. I only want it when I say I want it. You know?

I'm going to start making a bookmark for my Asylum book when it arrives. It would be a sin to dog ear those pages! Making this bookmark will make waiting easier. Apparently EA hasn't even finished signing all the books yet. Blah...well, It'll all be worth it in the end. I've been waiting for so long to get this book!

So until then,

Leeches Lolita

Post Eight:

Mood: Happy! (for once...) (also, I am not being sarcastic)

Song I am listening To: Let it Die by Emilie Autumn (Teh book hasn't arrived yet)

XXX

Dear Bruises and Bitemarks (according to Google Chrome, bitemarks isn't a work. Suck it.)

So last night I started playing Final Fantasy XII. It. Is. Awesome. The graphics aren't as sexy as the ones in Final Fantasy XIII (duh), but that's because the game came out in 2006 or whatever. It's still pretty awesome, though. My dad and step mum just got back from GameStop (and Walmart) and I now have a different copy of Mirror's Edge (used). So I'll try that out later.

My medication made me super tired last night (for once). I fell asleep at around ten last night and slept till noon. I should build up a little bit of a tolerance to it over the next couple of days, and soon I'll just be sleeping at night :)

What else am I up to?

Oh right!

I changed my name on here to Leeches Lolita (without the space). That's also my new name on Twitter and my username thingy on Facebook (in case anyone cares). Also, that is my yahoo email thingy (again, in case anyone cares). 

So why Leeches Lolita, you ask? well, it's a sort of play on the whole "scene name" thing. Lolita, because that's totally my stage name, and Leeches because of Emilie Autumn. I'm not scene, but I like the name. So now you all must call me that from now on.

Um...today I talked to a really good friend on the phone. 

I also updated my blog! And also I am tired.

My EA book still hasn't arrived.

I bought "Your Sugar Sits Untouched" and "The Opheliac Companion" on iTunes today. Yay! in preparation for when my book arrives.

Love,

Leeches Lolita

Post Seven: MuffinPlagueRat Vs. Mirror's Edge

Mood: competitive

Song I'm Listening To: Still Alive from Mirror's Edge (No cake here, folks...)

XXX

So...I was supposed to buy Portal (the first one) today. Unfortunately GameStop didn't have a used copy, and only had the copy that came in a bundle with that sequel to that other game I don't really feel like buying. I didn't really feel like buying a game I didn't want just to get one I did. I'd be spending money on something I didn't want. I just wanted Portal, damn it! So I decided to buy Mirror's Edge (my second choice) for thirteen bucks for the X Box 360. Then I found a copy of Final Fantasy XII (I bought 13 a few weeks ago. It's great!) under the play station 2 titles for ten bucks. I decided to get both with my twenty dollars I had, and just give my dad four bucks later. I'm so fucking happy!!!! :)

The second I got home I immediately popped Mirror's Edge into the 360. I got about half way through the training part of the game (before the story actually starts) (Actually, I can't really decipher what half way through is, since I've never played the game before. I had to jump from one metal pipe to another. That's all I know), and the game decides to freeze up. I restarted the game twice, and it kept freezing at the same point each time! Needless to say I got rather agitated.

So I decided to wait till my dad got home so I could ask him for help. In case we needed to exchange the game or something. I decided to try playing FFXII instead. Then I remembered that my dad's PS2 lacks a memory card. The one we stole from my mum's house has a memory card, but I have no clue where it is. So I have to wait till my dad's done at our neighbour's house before I can play the game. 

So anyway...this is why I hate buying used games. Unfortunately, however, It's nearly impossible to find a new copy of the old final fantasy games (I consider FFXII old, since it came out about four years ago) and even harder to find a new copy of Mirror's Edge (or, at least our local GameStop doesn't seem to have one...). I just home that FFXII works fine. The store only had one copy. Most of my games are new, except for Zelda: Phantom Hourglass. But it works just fine. DS games are harder to screw up. But used games are often cheaper, and I hardly ever have any money. I managed to get two used games today, rather than not even being able to afford one new game. 

Today I had therapy. We talked about my mum today, like usual. We also talked about my plans for the future. Seeing as my dreams were crushed several years ago when I found out that "ice cream taste tester" is not appropriate job, and even more recently when I found out that "professional geeks" only exist in my brain, I decided to start thinking of good careers. The medical field would be nice...like a nurse practitioner or something. But I'd love to be a psychologist. That'd be amazing :)

My medication has been changed again. I've been put back on risperdal, and my dose of trileptal has been upped. I saw a different doctor today, and she says that I should be on both a mood stabilizer as well as an ant-psychotic rather than one or the other. I need both to balance everything out. Hopefully I should see some change over the next several weeks.

Well, that's my day.  I just realized how long summer is, and I'm not even half way through it yet. I've got a looong way to go. So I'm going to use that time to rewrite Monster (the book that I LOST) and play video games. And I plan to do all that without getting fat. Sounds to me like the perfect summer.

Peace, love, and video games,

Muffin Plague Rat

P.S. MY EMILIE AUTUMN BOOK STILL HASN'T ARRIVED IN THE MAIL YET!!! eh hem. yea. still waiting. I'm going to go lurk the forum now :)

Post Six: Mental Disorders, My Mother, and I

Mood: Um...everything. I feel as though I will spontaniously combust in about three seconds if somebody doesn't give me cake. And a good mood stabilizer :)

Song I'm Listening To: Swallow by Emilie Autumn

XXXX

Mental Illness. Take a minute and think. What are the first things that come to your mind when you think of mental illness? Crazy people?

Truth is, we're not crazy. But...what's the difference between mental disorder and mental illness? That's the main difference between my mother and I.

I have PTSD. Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. Apparently, the tramatic even that caused this was being raised by an abusive mother. So...the past 17 years have been a tramatic event? yea...that sounds about right.

Before we go onto MY problems, let's go onto my dear old mum's problems/issues.

1. She's an alcoholic.

2. She's bulimic.

3. She's been in several long term, unsteady relationships.

4. She's always sleeping with strangers.

5. She's addicted to spending money on shit.

6. She has violent moodswings.

7. She's got self immage problems.

8. She always seems to be angry.

9. Or depressed.

10. Or annoyingly giddy.

11. But usually angry.

12. She engages in destructive behaviour (usually reckless driving)

13. She exhibits impulisve behaviour (eating, spending money, sex, etc..)

14. She refuses to recognize (or is unable to recognize) that she is sick.

I got a pamphlet today all about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I've also been reading about it online for the past couple months. Everything checks out. All the signs point to that. I want desperately for her to be tested for it. But, (as number 14 states) she refuses to awknoledge the fact that something is deffinately wrong. I want her to get help. I've tried to convince her to see somebody, but she does everything she possibly can to avoid seeing any sort of mental health specialist or therapist. I'm so scared for her. Despite the fact that I hate her guts for not even allowing me the simple pleasure of having a childhood (you know...my siblings and I basically started making out own meals at age six, packed suitcases and folded laundry and cleaned HER bedroom at age four. She yelled at us whenever she lost her shoes, and would always blame us if she were late going somehwere. And then she'd say sorry. Somehwere along the line we stopped beleiving her "sorrys". The only momories I have of my mom are of her either screaming at us, or being an irritating drunk with a bottle of some alcoholic drink in her hand).

But I want her to get help. I don't ever want to see her again, but I want her to get help.

What about me? Well, we originally thought I had a mood disorder. Since my oh so lovely trip to the psych ward back in March I have been diagnosed with PTSD.

Not entirely sure WHY. I've never really looked into it. I've never even met anyone else who has it. Every case is different, though. So what are my symptoms? What shit do I do? Well...

1. I cut. Impulsively. Sometimes I can't help it, sometimes I can. The impulse gets worse when my cuts heal.

2. I get stressed out easily around strangers or when I'm faced with abrupt change.

3. I've tried to commit suicide, and think about it all the time.

4. I have moodswings. People constantly ask me if I'm PMSing. 'sept it's worse.

5. I cry easily.

6. I'm set off very easily. Even words or things people do remind me of shit that's happened and I ether get angry or cry.

7. I run. Before I was forced to drop out of school, I'd run away from school on impulse at least three times a week. I either spent the rest of the day in the nurse's office, or I'd be sent home. The school's police officer's know me quite well. I also run out of moving cars, often coming to my senses a mile or two away from where I jumped out.

8. I have insomnia. Even with my medication, I hardly ever sleep. I do go through phases, however, where I sleep way too much.

9. I hear voices. It varries from actual voices telling me to do things or saying thigns about me, to random noises like screaming or crying. It's not so bad when  I take my medication.

10. I obsess over weird things. Not at an OCD, point, but to the extent where it's irritating to me.

11. I fantasize about hurting others and myself. People keep telling me that during my blackouts I scream about how I want to harm others and kill myself.

12. I black out.

13. I do things I can't remember or have trouble remembering later.

I'm not crazy. My mum however, is the very definition of "crazy bitch". My mom says she sees a lot of herself in me. I pray to the god I don't believe in that I NEVER become like her. I understand that it's an illness, but she doesn't want to even try and get help!

Sigh. I checked the forum, and apparently none of the Emilie books have been shipped out yet. She's still signing them all. blegh. Shipping should take about three days, so I'll hopefully get it soon. Knock on wood, anyway.

Post Five: Aquarium Adventure

Mood: Tired...still can't sleep (it's been over 24 hours by now...)

Song I'm Listening To: Te Amo by Rihanna (LESBIANSBUTNOTREALLYFTW!)

XXXX

Dear Blogger.com,

So earlier today I talked about how I was going to the local aquarium with my neighbour and his kids. Turns out, those kids are LITTLE. The little boy is four, and the baby girl (who is oh so adorable!!!) is six months old. They're such cute kids! I love children. They make me think differently. I don't know...kind of look at my life in a different way.

But let's start at the begining.

About an hour after I posted this morning's post (Post Four), I got dressed. A Hello Kitty t-shirt and a pair of skinny jeans with a pair of black high tops. I wore blue eyeshadow (to match the rainbow on my HK shirt) and a lot of black eyeliner. I parted my hair to the side, faking the tapered bangs look (I have straight bangs). My hair isn't layered, so it doesn't teas well unfortunately. If my hair had decided to work with me this morning, I'd have had my "scene kid" look put together rather nicely! Complete with eyebrow piercing (I WANT snakebites, but my sister wants those so I won't steal her thunder. I'll just settle  for spiderbites and a Monroe). I'm also gonna bleach my hair white-blonde. And get it layered. Sure, the "scene" look is rather overused and it IS a fad, but I think it's cute! And I love the music associated with it.

Anyway...

We got to the aquarium and I just kind of went off on my own, blasting techno on my iPod. I hardly go anywhere without music blasting in my ears. It makes being out in public less stressful for me.

But then came the scary moment when I decided to turn off the music and face the music of the real world. There were people around me. Not very many, but there were still people. Some people (mostly little kids) were looking at me and my odd getup. I don't care about what people think of the way I dress. that doesn't phase me anymore. But these little kids were looking at my arms. One little girl even asked me what happened to my arms. I didn't say anything. I just smiled at her and walked away. She couldn't have been onlder than seven. The four year old boy we were with even asked me multiple times what happened to my arms. I told him I fell down. Even his dad made a rude comment about how it looked like I'd been attacked by a cat or gotten stuck in a bush. He said it jokingly, but a fourty year old man with kids MUST know about cutters and that they don't like to be questioned, right? I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it, though.

And that four year old. He was so engaged with everything that was going on. It was fascinating to watch! He was always asking questions, and telling us to come look at something. There was one time where I was looking at some random (boring) fish (fish are food, not friends), and he actually took my hand and pulled me over to look at some sort of giant shrimp thing.

Now, I hate to be touched. Even with my best friends, I almost never make contact with them. Just awkward half hugs. But this little kid took my hand. What was I supposed to do? Run away? I wanted to. But he's just a kid! It was different. And I went with him, to look at the giant shrimp thing. And we talked. I've always found it funny how sometimes it's easier to talk to little kids than it is to talk to people my own age. Sometimes. other times, kids just piss me off. I hate cleaning up after them.

Needless to say, this was a very...different experience.

After that, I spent a good twenty minutes in the girl's restroom having my own little private rave to Blood on the Dance Floor. I think at some point an old lady walked in while I was dancing and singing (somewhere around "s my d, pop it out like lipstick..."), gave me an O_o face, and walked out. But I wasn't paying attention.

What then? Well, once we were done at the aquarium, we went to the beach to look for sea shells. The four year old found all these rocks and broken shells he (oh so aroably) thought to be the best thing since Jesus. I found a pretty shell, handed it to him, and watched him throw it off into the distance saying "I don't want that dirty, ugly shell!". Sure, it was rude. But he was only four! So I had to laugh at that. It was kind of cute.

Again, the music was off. There were only a few people around, but that gave me lots of space to run. I found it dificult to stand still. I had to move, but I didn't want anyone to think it was odd. Plus, my sister was there. Whenever I have an episode around her, she makes a big deal and states that I'm just faking it. I felt uncomfortable. I wanted to run. But I didn't.  I distracted myself by talking to my sister...about piercings. She told me that she doesn't like spiderbites. I'm still totally going to get them anyway ;)

After getting through all that, I came home. My sister went to her babysitting job, and I came here. To my blog. My internet home. I love you, blog :)

Long post is long.

Love,

MuffinPlagueRat

Post Four: Face the Music, Casey Anthony, and Regarding my Music Virginity

Mood: Sleepy, but I can't sleep.

Song I'm Listening to: Get Away With Murder by Jeffree Star (Yea...apparently I listen to him. By "listen" I totally mean "worship". but not quite on the Emilie Autumn level. Nowhere near it)

XXXX

Dear Bruises and Bitemarks,

I have a scab on my elbow that doesn't seem to want to heal.

On that awkward note, onto the post.

Eh hem. So...I can't sleep. That's why I'm on here, writing, at 5:45 AM. I haven't slept at all. I have to "wake up" soon anyway to go to the aquarium with the neighbours I have never met but apparently we have (it's a small apartment complex). I live on a fucking island. The aquarium is, like, our ONLY tourist attraction (other than the beach, but thats only for people who like sunlight, sand in their swimsuits, mouthfulls of saltwater, and fat tourists wearing way too revealing swimsuits. Ew. oh, and drunk people. Can't forget the drunk people), so it's not like I haven't been there a thousand times before. Every year in school we'd take an annual class field trip there. My mom would try and be a "good parent" and take us there. It's not even that big. It's got like, five exhibits. Sure, it was cool when I was nine and first moved here, but now it's boring as hell. I might fake sick. Or fall asleep and fake a coma. I've gotten pretty good at that. Point is, I find reruns of Pokemon to be more entertaining.

What is this shit about Casey Anthony being let off? I heard about this trial thingy back in 2008. I was only 14 and could care less. I thought it was just another child abuse trial. Oh wait...IT IS! Honestly. Kids are abused and murdered every day. "But PlagueRat! Her Mother murdered her!" It's not like it doesn't happen, though! If every case like this was given this much attention, one of two things would happen. 1)EVERY mom would start killing their 2 year olds to end up on TV, or 2) parental murder would stop. seriously.

Admittedly, I'd completely forgotten about this trial until about two months ago or so. Even then I didn't really look into it. I'd watch it on TV when my dad and step mom were in the room (they loooovvvveee stuff like this like a fat kid looooooovvvveeees cake), so I know a bit about it. Enough to know that all this is complete bull shit! lemme express how I feel about all this: SHE'S SO OBVIOUSLY GUILTY! A blind, deaf, retarded old man could see that. And then the jury finds her innocent? That woman is about as innocent as a twelve year old pole dancer named Lolita. This is why I hate the court system. They say that no evidence pointed towards her. if that's true, then why does everyone and their dog think she's guilty????

Listening to music is a lot like having sex. Everyone has that one artist that they ALWAYS listen to. Just like how most girls have that one boyfriend they're ALWAYS sucking face with. well, every so often you run into those whores who're sucking face with EVERYBODY and listening to EVERYBODY on MySpace (remember that? I sure don't). They can't decide which artist (or boyfriend) they like best. Anyway, at some point you fall completely in love with said artist/boyfriend. Then that artist releases a new album that SUCKS. So you break up with that artist. Then you find a new one! So where does the sex part come in? Well, eventually you lose your music virginity to an artist (or boyfriend...I can't tell the difference anymore) that's seemingly ceated a genre his/hers/their own and you just can't seem to get enough of. That is what happened with me and Jeffree Star. I lost my music virginity to Jeffree Star.

Wait...what? Uh...yea. Aaannnnyyywaaaayyy....

I'm a lesbian...but I can totally justify as to why I (am allowed to) think he's sexeh. Well, for starters...I totally thought he was a woman when I first saw him on the Emilie Autumn forum (what was a photo of him doing THERE??? anyway...). A very hot (and strangely flat chested) woman. Well, just like with Boku no Pico...I was very surprised. From there, I got into the Medic Droid as well as Blood on the Dance Floor. I find them similar in many ways, but Jeffree Star is what led me to all that. Therefore, I have officially lost my music virginity. That statement makes me sound like such a loser, since I'm a literal virgin anyway. Not like you care, you don't know me! God dammit, stop judging me!!!!! gawsh.

Wait a sec...but didn't I lose my music virginity to Emilie Autumn (in a totally non-lesbian-I-worship-you-like-the-God-I-don't-beleive-in kind of way) two years ago when I first listened to her? Oh...have I seriously NOT been a music virgin THIS long???? holy shit...I'm seriously just realizing this as I type this. Oh wow...Sorry, Jeffree Star...looks like Emilie won this round. ha ha...I feel dumb. Now that whole "music is like sex" thing in the previous two paragraphs is rendered totally useless. oops.

On that totally awkward note, I end this random (and rather stupid and pointless...) post. The sun is rising, and I suppose I should get a few minutes of sleep.

Peaches, Cream, and Lollipops,

MuffinPlagueRat

Post Three: In Which I Am Very Surprised (and sleep too much)

Mood: Tired, slightly depressed

Song I'm Listening To: Heading to the Disco by the Horrorpops

XXXXX

Dear Internet (Eh?),

Insomnia is a very fickle thing. Well, for me it is anyway. Most nights (even with my medication) its well past midnight and into the early morning when I actually fall asleep. Then I have trouble staying asleep (unless I take my medication). Recently, however (and by that I mean over the past couple days), I've been sleeping way too much! As in, last night I went to sleep at around eleven (I took my meds) and woke up at around ten this morning, but didn't get out of bed till around one! It's half my cat's fault. She wouldn't get off me! she just sat on my back, purring into the darkness that is my shared bedroom.

As to the depression? It's rather mild. I don't feel suicidal. Which is funny, because when I give any adult the incitive the think that I am even a tiny bit depressed, they go on suicide watch and wait for me to do something stupid. Perhaps that's usually why I don't end up doing something stupid? Because I've noticed that I only cut myself when I'm alone and people don't know I'm feeling bad. Either that, or I black out and a) run away from wherever I happen to be, or b) cut myself without knowing it. Is there a name for that? Whatever. So I've learned to try and tell people what I'm feeling. I used to lie when my dad would ask, but that only ever made me feel worse. So now I tell the truth! Or at least give the bland and overused line "I don't know...piss off!"

As for why I am very surprised? Well, so I was lurking the Emilie Autumn forum (because I'm too lazy to log in half the time, so when I decide to leave a comment I have to search my email for my password) I found a picture of Jeffree Star. Well, actually, I didn't KNOW it was Jeffree Star until I read underneath the photo. I though it was a really scene-looking, really flat chested (you couldn't tell because the hair was in the way) woman with a ton of tattoos. Needless to say, I had the whole "Holy shit those are GUYS!" reaction I had when  I first discovered visual kei. This reaction can also be applied to one's first experience with Boku no Pico. (IT'S A TRAP!). I don't listen to Jefree Star, just as a side note.

Today I had group. "Group" is the shortened form of the term "Therapy Group". Actually, we don't  really have a name. So for now, it's just "Group". We're a pretty cool group of people (and I'm not just saying that because I gave two of them the link to this blog today). We're all wonderfully/brutally honest. That's good, though. I feel like I can get an honest opinion on stuff that's going on in my life, as well as give an honest opinion on stuff that they're going through. I won't give their names, since I'm not at liberty to do so. Every Tuesday at four (until whenever, really, we always end at different times) I go to group. When do I have regular therapy? Depends. This week it's on Friday (I think).

In other news, my book hasn't arrived yet. *sigh*. I do hope I get it soon :)

Post Two: MuffinPlagueRat vs. The Blue Screen of Death

Mood: GRRRRRRR!!!!! (you'll soon see why)

Song I'm listening to: Tsuretette from Boku no Pico (NEVER WATCH THAT!)

XXXXX

Dear Blog (that sounds less retarded),

Today I am having a very interesting day. For starters, I woke up at around eleven, but stayed in bed listening to my iPod (iPod classic, 120 gigs and half a bajillion AWESOME songs) till about one pm. To be honest, I don't think I could ever deal with having an iPone or iTouch, simply because it would break before I had the chance to put it to good use. I hate touch screens, because they smuge (I clean my nintndo DS screen ALL THE FREAKING TIME!) and tend to break. Plus, they don't have as much memory as the classic. Plus, (as said by Stewie Griffin...) "I DON'T LIKE CHANGE!"...I love Family Guy :).

What was I listening to you might ask? Tsuretette from the infamous anime Boku no Pico. The song is so fucking adorable. If you forget what it's from. Boku no Pico is a three episode anime OVA, that happens to be shota. Shota (in short) is basically lolicon but boys. So...you either have small child boys engaging in sex or small child boys and men engaging in sex. In short....this is my reaction: sleihjweflaksdjfhoiuwerfv (brain explode). Not that I've seen it. I did, however, read about it on Wikipedia and watch the opening on youtube. Not only am I scarred for life, but I cannot listen to that adorably god aweful song without thinking about that god aweful anime. Don't ever watch it, kiddies...unless you like child pornography.

Now. Go look at the title of this entry. See it? Good. Now I can explain. Do you all know what the blue screen of death is? Go look it up. Done? now you see my problem. Over the past two years I have been blamed for the breakage of three computers, one of them breaking twice. But i fixed them! The one that broke twice, I have not been able to fix the second time. Please take a moment to blame the blue screen of death. Now, when I look it up on google, it tells me to download something. WELL I CAN'T BECAUSE WHENEVER I TURN THE COMPUTER ON I GET THE BLUE SCREEN!!! eh hem. Anyway, as you can see that is pointless. The only reason I need that computer to work for a bit is because i have about 500 bucks in music and video on there that I can only get by gettin on that computer. You see my dilema.

So I'm stark raving mad, right? Right. It's also a little depressing, right? Right. Am I going to cut myself? No. have I thought about it? Fuck yes!

So why don't I do it? Because I sat down with me myself and I (teh best friendz evah) thought about the situation rationally. it's just a blue screen. Sure I would like to have my music back, but it's not the end of the world! I got along for about nine months without them. On my current computer I have a pretty damn good collection of music and videos on my iTunes account. Besides. it's just a blue screen. It can be fixed! All i have to do is take it in. Even if it were completely broken, I've gotten along perfectly fine without it for quite a while. Therefore, I am okay. Still raving mad, mind you, but I'll live. it's a fairly common problem.

Count to ten and breathe deeply. yea, yea, everyone and their dog tells you to do that. But it works. Close your eyes, light a candle, and breathe.

On that completely serious (and rather uncharacteristic) note, I leave you all rather confused. Is it wrong to post more than once in a day? I'll say it isn't. This is MY blog! Are there blog police? I sure hope not. If there are, I would like to meet them. I like police. They prevent me from running away from school! But that's another story for another entry. I feel like I've bothered my immaginary readers that don't exist as of yet enough.

So...
Peace, love, and computer fix-it guys,
Muffin Plague Rat (did I use spaces last time?)

P.S. MY EMILIE AUTUMN BOOK STILL HASN'T ARRIVED IN THE MAIL!!! eh hem. yea...

Post One: I Am A Cutter

Before we begin. All typo's and spelling mistacks (ha ha, got you there, didn't I!) will be preserved for authenticity. So please no rude comments (can you do that on this website?) about how my spelling and grammar suck. Because I really couldn't care less.

Mood: Well, it's changing every five minutes today. One minute I want orange juice, the next I want a cookie. Only more extreme.

Song I'm Listening To: he's hurting me, by Maria Mena

XXX
Dear diary (I feel like a little kid, writing in my Hello Kitty diary again! tee hee),

Today has been an interesting day. Or rather, it's  been a rather interesting week. I have been abandoned by my crazy mother, sent a post card by said crazy mother, been sexually harrassed by my best guy friend on Facebook, cut myself, decided to be stupid and not take my meds for three days, and got through all of it with little to no sleep.

So you're probably wondering. Who, what, when, where? Okay, so you're probably not.

My current medications are Trileptal (which is usually used to treat seizures, but I use it to treat the bipolar disorder I HAVE NOT BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH!!!111) and Vistaril (which treats insomnia but DOESN'T WORK ON ME, yet I continue to take it for some obscene reason), plus whatever medication my doctor decides to put me on that week for  sleep. Nope, it seems I am immune to several sleep medications as well as other stuff for voices and mood disorders. THE LUNESTA IS A LIE! eh hem. Anyway, bad shit goes down when I don't take my Tileptal. The other night (when I stopped taking it), I kept hearing an irritatingly freaky screaming in my ear. It didn't stop for like, five minutes. So I distracted myself by reading lesbian porn on Fanfiction.net. Not that I condone the use of porn, but it's there.

My mother? Yea, she's crazier than I. At least I'm not JUST crazy in a psycho kind of way. I'm also eccentric, so I can always use that as my excuse. No, my mother doesn't even have eccentricity as an excuse! She's literally insane! For sixteen years she emotionally abused me, always yelling and screaming, or being super duper depressed, mood swining like she was perminantly PMSing...only worse. She's also bulimic, but refuses to see a therapist. AT LEAST I'M DOING SOMETHIGN ABOUT MY ISSUES!!!! All my life I had to take care of her. It's like I never had a childhood. Maybe that's why I'm so short (4'6)??? Dunno. Anyway, last week she ran off with her boyfriend (She's been cheating on my step dad. She also cheated on my dad with random guys in cluding my uncle ever since I was born. Whore much?) and refuses to pay child support and states that she wants nothing to do with me and my siblings because we are "out of control" (smug face). So a few days ago, she sends me a post card from Nantucket (where she is NOT currently living...). So I have no clue what to do.

As for being sexually harrassed online by one of my best guy friends? Well, he basically said he wanted to meet with me. So i said yes! next night, he's saying about how he wanted to "do things to me" (you know what I'm talking about...) and that because I'm gay it wouldn't really count. I kept telling him to stop, but he wouldn't. He even asked for lewed pictures of me, and kept telling me how "nice my boobs were, considering how tiny I am and that he wanted to see them"! so I blocked him and his ugly pedophile face. I consider him a pedophile because I am so tiny, and I am totally convinced that the reason he went after me was because I look like a child with boobs. and I'm older than him. So he could go after someone who looked like a kid, without going to prison. Except he's not 18, so it's not pedophilia, and therefore my head just exploded.

And that is why I cut myself. After going over a month and a half without doing it, I did it again. I used to cut every day. Even when I wasn't sad! I was addicted to it. I did it every morning right after arriving at school. In the same bathroom stall in the retarded smart kid school I like to call Isaac Bear Early College High School (the school I was indirectly kicked out of). I hated myself and wanted to die. I couldn't believe that one of my best friends could think of me as nothing but a little girl with tits. That's all I felt like. Old feelings came back, and the house I was staying at had really sharp kitchen knives. I have a fatal attraction to sharp objects, so...(We have no super sharp knives in the house I live in). I've been though it all before. If you cut yourself, I'm here. That's why I made this diary. In hopes that someone reads it and lets me know that I'm not alone. And that you aren't alone. Also, if you like dark humour...you can enjoy this too :)

So I'm getting my Emilie Autumn (you've never heard of her??? le gasp! Google her NOWS! Best. person. ever.) book soon, and I'm super duper excited. I shall worship it like the bible I've never read.

I hope somone reads it. If not, that's fine. I can pretend that my imaginary friends of the interwebs are reading it. If someone is reading this, I love you. Honestly. Nobody ever reads my work. Plus, I've been rambling today, so I appologize. I tend to do that. So if you make it to the end of this, I give you an internet cookie (it's like a real cookie, only you can't see it and it tastes like air. Also, it's healthy and has like, NO calories. tasteh!).

Well, on that not, I bid you fairwell. Until next time!

~Muffin Plague Rat
(Name comes from what Emilie Autumn calls her fans. She used to call them Muffins, but randomly (and without me being aware of it...) she started calling them plague rats. I still love muffin and I was confused as to what I was to her. So I compromised)