48. Crazeh

Mood: see title

Song: Bohemian Rhapsody cover by Emilie Autumn

XXX

Let's take a moment to look at the title. Yes. I feel like a crazy person right now. I would like nothing more than to run out of my house screaming bloody murder waving around my blood stained arms like a raving lunatic. Yes, I have in fact been called a lunatic. No, I have not hurt myself.

I can feel it starting. For the next while I'm going to be irritated at everyone I meet, feel like screaming my lungs out, freaking out over little things, and have the constant need to cut myself. Or strangle myself, either one. 

No, I'm not on my period. Thank you for asking. It's just a phase that I go through every once in a while. I pray to every deity out there that this doesn't happen at school, which I start in exactly seven days. I'm hoping that I can (for once) be known as Alexandra, the perfectly normal girl with no mental problems whatsoever. 

That was a joke, ha ha, fat chance. 

But seriously. I've stopped telling people how I feel. When I do, it's always way too late. I hold everything inside me until it comes out in a fiery display of craziness. I have to graduate. I don't have a choice. If this shit happens ONCE, I'm done. That's it. I suppress my feelings because I'm afraid that people won't take me seriously. I hurt inside every day. It's so easy to fake a smile. I'm an actress. That's just what I do. I've never really stopped wanting to hurt myself, but I've always decided against doing it. That would ruin my whole "Kindly shut up about you're stupid issues, Leeches" plan. I'm not afraid to die, for I have accepted the fact that I will die someday. I could drop dead any second. But that's okay. I'll be reborn as something better. Someone not crazy. I'm not crazy. Shut up. Blah. 

So in seven days I shall be stripped of my identity and be forced to dress myself in a khaki, collared shirt nightmare. I will be forced to keep my mouth shut even more than before. Nobody can know about the demons that reside inside my heart. They just can't.

I'm still mad at my therapist. She apologized, but I still don't trust her. I can tell when someone is lying. I'm an actress. it's what I do. That's a breech in the whole confidentiality things, isn't it? But whatever. I can't stop going to group. Those people are probably the best friends I've got. Sure, I've got other friends, but they tend to ignore me. that's okay. I hate being with people. It takes forever for me to make friends because of my trust issues. 

Yesterday I walked to Food Lion and Dollar General to ask for job applications. I'm actually going to try and get a job. Yay me. Tomorrow night I'm entering in a karaoke contest at a local bar. 

I think my eyebrow piercing is finally healing up (after three months). it still hurts when I pull too hard, but it'll be fine. I hope it doesn't reject soon.

So I suppose this long and boring post is over. Thank you for reading. 

Love,

Leeches. the perfectly normal high school student with no issues whatsoever. yea.