39. Mum

Mood: Good

Song: Celebration by Madonna

XXX

So...

Mum's coming into town in a week. As in, a week from today. As in, next Friday. As in, she's taking my sister and I shopping.

I don't expect anything, though. I'm not going to get my hopes up for anything, so that I don't get disappointed in the end. That way I can't get angry with her later. I've decided to accept the fact that she's my mother. She'll always be my mother. She's trying to have a relationship with us, which is a good sign. If she's going to try, then I suppose I have to try as well. I've been so angry lately, that I just need to let some things go. Why should I be disappointed with her if SHE'S NOT ME? That's the thing. She's NOT me. I can't do anything to change her, only she can. I have to accept the fact that I shouldn't be worrying her or telling her how to live her life. This is not because I'm weak. I believe that it makes me a very strong person to be trying to work everything out with my mum.

She seems to accept the fact that I've been looking into the wiccan religion. She even said that she'll buy me the book "The Solitary Witch". She used to own it, and she completely supports my looking into it. We both have the same opinion of it: it makes so much more sense than anything else. 

We had a very nice conversation on the phone today. But it didn't feel like I was talking to my mum. It felt like I was talking to a friend. A friend I hadn't talked to in a while. I'm willing to forgive her for all that she's done, as long as she works to keep herself happy. If she's happy, then that means she won't do anything stupid to screw this whole thing up. She says that she's going to go back to school. She's saying all these things that I want to believe, but I don't know if I can. She'll have to work hard to regain my love and trust.

I shouldn't say that I don't love her. Because I do! Very much! But I hate the things she's done. 

I'd like to apologize for yesterday's rant and surplus of cursing. I was just angry, because the fact that my therapist has basically given up on me really upset me. I'm going to try and tone down the cursing, because I feel that that way I'll become happier and nicer. I'd like to be a better person. I'm going to work towards that.

Blessed be,
Leeches Lolita <3