45. Mabon

Mood: guilty

Song: Diva by After School

XXX

Hello! 

So today was Mabon, or the fall equinox. Today day and night are the exact same length. How did I celebrate? I watched the sunrise and the sunset, meditating on it. I also went for a walk down the forested bike path I live near. I also took note on the things that I am thankful for. Over all, it was a very good day today.

Now onto why I am feeling guilty.

Remember that post a while back about how I feel guilty and fat every time I eat? Well it's only been getting worse. I've tried to stop eating, but I can't stop. I know I'm not overweight. I contemplate throwing up all the time and It's driving me crazy. The only thing stopping me from throwing up is the fact that if I ever became bulimic, then I'd ruin my voice AND I'd become like my mother. I'm very torn. I'm at the age my mom started throwing up, so I'm really scared. As much as I'd like to stop eating, I keep eating even when I'm not hungry. I have a pretty good metabolism, but seeing as I've stopped growing I'll only gain weight if I keep this up. The only time I don't feel guilty about eating is when I'm hungry. That's why I never ate in school. I have a phobia of eating in front of people. Ever since I was little I've always had to base what and how much I eat on what everyone else my age and size (it's gotten rather difficult nowadays) does. The only people I can stand eating around are my family.

I try to exercise. I dance every day for long periods of time. I go for walks. None of it helps me feel any better. When I dwell on all this it makes me want to cut or throw up. I've never forced myself to throw up, but I've definitely thought about it. I've even thought about taping notes to my wall that say stuff like "If you eat you'll get fat" or "Don't eat today".

I sound pathetic. I know. But it's the truth. This is something I've never been able to talk to my family or my therapist about. I'm afraid that they'll think I'm just asking for attention. Oh God...

I hate being full. That's the worst feeling. As much as I feel better when I'm hungry, I just have to eat. I don't know why. I have no self control. I don't binge like my mom, but I feel like I'm getting there. I wish I could talk to someone about this. But I can't talk about anything to anyone anymore. My new therapist is a family therapist. that means that my dad will be in the room with me. I can't talk about half the stuff I'm going through with him. I just can't.

I'm not going to cut. I'm not going to cut. I'm not going to cut. I'm not going to cut.

Oh god...I sound like my mom. My mom would write things like that in her journal, only it would be more like "I'm not going to binge. I'm not going to binge. I'm not going to binge." My worst fear is that I'm going to become like her. I'm so scared.

I guess I should stop. so till next time (because there WILL be a next time)

Leeches