33. Christmas

Mood: Kind of Sad

Song: Hate You by 2NE1

XXX

Sometimes I think back to Christmas 2010. That was right before all the bad shit started happening. Right before I learned that all the bad shit had been happening my entire life right under my nose. Back then I thought that all moms acted and drank like mine did. Christmas has never been a big deal to me. I never understood why we even celebrated it. I'm not a Christian at all, so I never saw why I should celebrate it. I suppose the reason I liked Christmas was because my mom expressed her love for us by buying us things. She couldn't physically and emotionally love anyone. So she bought us things. Especially during the holidays. During the holidays I felt that my mom loved me because she bought me things. She'd say they were from Santa or whatever, but I never really believed in that shit. My logic wouldn't allow it.

Now that I live with my dad and Tracy, I'm completely aware that they love me very much. So what is Christmas to me now? Not much. It's still nice because I get to see family, but that's pretty much it. 

Thinking about this makes me upset. I feel like crying right now. But I can't. My sister and her friend are in the bedroom with me. My sister and I share a bedroom, so I no longer have that space in the house where I can just go and cry. I used to go to the park and cry, but I can't since we don't live near a park anymore.I should probably take my medication, but I've lost all hope in getting rid of my anger and depression. Sure, the mood stabilizers keep my moods in check and they aren't as extreme as they used to be, but (zone out) What was I talking about?

So I decided to buy some chocolate. I'm going to get fat one day, I swear. But chocolate helps me sometimes. I can't cry in my house at all because my sister thinks I'm just faking it. But she's going out tonight and it's her turn to babysit tomorrow, which is good. I can cry all I want. But the trouble is that tomorrow I won't want to cry. So I'll have all these tears locked inside me until next time. Then I won't be able to stop it. 

So do I feel like I want to die? Sort of. I know that would be cowardly of me, since it's just a bit of sadness, but clinical depression is different from regular depression. I hurt myself. I like to hurt myself. Some people say they are sad, but I know that it's because "My parent's are fighting" or "My boyfriend cheated on me" or "my sister's being a bitch". I'm sick of putting up with other people's shit. I've tried to kill myself. I've been abused and harassed my entire life. My mother is insane. 

Now i can't cry. I want to, but I can't do it. 

But why am I doing this?

Why am I not hurting myself?

It's so easy!

I just drag the knife across my skin and fucking hurt myself!

It doesn't hurt after a while. Most of the knives we have are pretty dull anyway.

What can they do? Punish me? NO.

[Unfinished Post. Written on Thursday, August 11, 2011]