50. Life is Good

Mood: at peace

Song: Innocent High by Blood on the Dance Floor <3

XXX

So it's been about ten million years since I posted here. I figured I'd write again. Not that I don't love my blog, it's just kind of difficult what with school and everything (did I tell you all I started school? I have a horrible memory. Please excuse the fact that I'm constantly rephrasing things).

But everything in my life is relatively stress free. On Wednesday (today is Saturday...which comes after Friday. lol) I saw my mom. She's nothing but a lying bulimic little bitch. My sister and I sat outside the courtroom listening to BOTD the whole time. Apparently my mom lied about EVERYTHING , even if lying on the stand is illegal or something. Anyway, point is...karma better catch up to her soon. I'm done with this shit. She needs to quit acting like she's the best thing since pudding cups. I wish she'd just grow up and start acting like a responsible adult and not have to have someone constantly taking care of her.

After court, I cried. I ended up not going to school that day because I was so stressed out. My mom didn't even say goodbye or anything. 

I didn't look at her much, so I didn't really see that her face was all swollen up (according to my step mom). I bet she isn't doing anything to help her eating disorder. I know that I have problems, but at least I'm doing something about them!

But enough of that. other than the mess with my mom, I haven't had a reason to get all stressed out. School is going great (minus the rude people who hang out in the library during lunch while I'm trying to read), and I've felt really great. So far I've had two meetings with my new therapist. She's helped me more than Gloria ever did in my whole year of seeing her. Gloria never really talked about coping skills or anything, but now I'm learning about lots of ways to control myself. I feel like I'm going in the right direction now.

I've stopped going to group all together. One of the kids there (I won't tell you who) was making me feel awkward and saying some things I wasn't quite alright with. I'm afraid it'll turn into the "Scott Incident". 

I've always had an irrational fear of men. I trust women (most of the time, unless I can tell I shouldn't trust them), but men are out of the question. when one flatters me or tell me they like me, it makes me scared. I don't like men, minus my dad. I'm even uncomfortable with my ex-step father. 

I hate food. I can't eat anymore, and when I do I feel sick afterwards even if I only eat a little. Other than dinner, I don't eat. I hate eating in front of other people, but even if I'm hungry I refuse to eat anyway. I'm trying to lose weight, but I'm afraid of taking it too far. I'm not trying to starve myself, I just think i've put myself in a bad situation. I refuse to eat candy or drink anything other than coke zero and water. maybe milk sometimes, but only 1 percent. When I eat even a little I feel like I've put on like five or ten pounds. I know that it's a horrible state of mind, but I'm trapped inside it. I'm afraid that If I start eating meat again I'll gain a ton of weight. In the morning I can't eat because food just tastes nasty at that point. Same thing at lunch. I only eat in the evenings, but my portions have been getting smaller and smaller. 

Today I went out to eat with my dad, step mom, and sister to a local restaurant. I splurged and ate a fish sandwich (fried) and some chips. Not only did I not finish but half of the sandwich, but I felt horrible and guilty after I ate. It's been a few hours, and I still feel bad. Over the past few years I've felt horrible about my height and weight. Most kids my size weigh way less than I do. My dad says that it's because I've gone though puberty already, but I just don't know anymore. I'm really short. Like, four foot six. When I look at myself in pictures I see this ugly chubby girl. That's a horrible way to think, but that's just how I feel.

So...I guess the whole food thing is the only thing I'm worried about now. other than that, school's great and my life is normal for once (minus my mom). I guess this is a good place to end this post.

Love,

Yours Truly

P.S. Sometimes writing in this blog makes me depressed or helps me realize things about myself that I normally wouldn't think about. Thank you for reading :)

49. School

Mood: Not sure

Song: High School of the Dead theme song

XXX

hey, pretty people!

So on Wednesday I started school. While my bus ride is stupidly long (an hour an a half there and an hour and a half back. I don't get home till five thirty), I hardly have any homework other than to finish my lessons. It's all online though, so that's good. I really like it, but I still get that feeling of dread when the bus pulls up. But by the time I actually get to school I feel much better.

I started another blog. It's called "The Melancholy Life of Lady Grey", lady Grey being me. One of my alter egos.

I decided to kill off Suicide Sally, seeing as that name was already taken. I also got rid of Winter Wings. Not there's just three of us; Lady Grey, Yours Truly, and MurderTits. 

My sister dyed my hair on Tuesday night. It's blond, but much blonder than my hair was before. My hair looks yellow on my school ID, which I found quite laughable. At least it doesn't look like a mug shot like my Ashley HS and IBEC IDs did.

So I was wrong. My therapist never told my parents that I was a lesbian. Apparently my bitch of a mother told my dad and step mum instead. So I have more of a reason to hate the things she does. I forgive my therapist. The only thing I really hate is the fact that she compared me to my mum. But not as badly as I had thought. 

So how am I feeling? Life is good right now. For once in my life I'm not stressing out about everything.

Love,

Whoever I happen to be now.

48. Crazeh

Mood: see title

Song: Bohemian Rhapsody cover by Emilie Autumn

XXX

Let's take a moment to look at the title. Yes. I feel like a crazy person right now. I would like nothing more than to run out of my house screaming bloody murder waving around my blood stained arms like a raving lunatic. Yes, I have in fact been called a lunatic. No, I have not hurt myself.

I can feel it starting. For the next while I'm going to be irritated at everyone I meet, feel like screaming my lungs out, freaking out over little things, and have the constant need to cut myself. Or strangle myself, either one. 

No, I'm not on my period. Thank you for asking. It's just a phase that I go through every once in a while. I pray to every deity out there that this doesn't happen at school, which I start in exactly seven days. I'm hoping that I can (for once) be known as Alexandra, the perfectly normal girl with no mental problems whatsoever. 

That was a joke, ha ha, fat chance. 

But seriously. I've stopped telling people how I feel. When I do, it's always way too late. I hold everything inside me until it comes out in a fiery display of craziness. I have to graduate. I don't have a choice. If this shit happens ONCE, I'm done. That's it. I suppress my feelings because I'm afraid that people won't take me seriously. I hurt inside every day. It's so easy to fake a smile. I'm an actress. That's just what I do. I've never really stopped wanting to hurt myself, but I've always decided against doing it. That would ruin my whole "Kindly shut up about you're stupid issues, Leeches" plan. I'm not afraid to die, for I have accepted the fact that I will die someday. I could drop dead any second. But that's okay. I'll be reborn as something better. Someone not crazy. I'm not crazy. Shut up. Blah. 

So in seven days I shall be stripped of my identity and be forced to dress myself in a khaki, collared shirt nightmare. I will be forced to keep my mouth shut even more than before. Nobody can know about the demons that reside inside my heart. They just can't.

I'm still mad at my therapist. She apologized, but I still don't trust her. I can tell when someone is lying. I'm an actress. it's what I do. That's a breech in the whole confidentiality things, isn't it? But whatever. I can't stop going to group. Those people are probably the best friends I've got. Sure, I've got other friends, but they tend to ignore me. that's okay. I hate being with people. It takes forever for me to make friends because of my trust issues. 

Yesterday I walked to Food Lion and Dollar General to ask for job applications. I'm actually going to try and get a job. Yay me. Tomorrow night I'm entering in a karaoke contest at a local bar. 

I think my eyebrow piercing is finally healing up (after three months). it still hurts when I pull too hard, but it'll be fine. I hope it doesn't reject soon.

So I suppose this long and boring post is over. Thank you for reading. 

Love,

Leeches. the perfectly normal high school student with no issues whatsoever. yea.

47. Art

Mood: determined 

Song: Prom Night by Jeffree Star

XXX

So...this low calorie diet has kind of become an obsession of mine. I'm checking the calorie count on absolutely everything and managing my portions obsessively. I eat a yogurt for breakfast (how many calories are in yogurt???), celery and low fat ranch dressing for lunch, and whatever food I can find that doesn't have very many calories or fat for supper. Also, I don't eat meat. I haven't eaten anything meat related (minus fish) in about nine months. I'm scared that if I get off the vegetarian diet I'll instantly gain weight. Same thing with the low calorie and fat diet. Lucky for me I get to drink tea, since tea has no calories or fat in it (duh). Neither does sweet n low.

What else has happened? I'm still angry at my therapist for comparing me to my mum and saying that perhaps a long term facility would be a good place for me. How bitchy is that?! I'm also mad at her because several months ago she told my step mum that I was a lesbian (actually, she said that I was fickle with my sexuality but defined myself as a lesbian) when I wasn't ready to tell her, then she told my dad. I'm not mad at my step mum, I'm mad at the therapist. Isn't that, like, illegal or something?!

I'm learning Japanese! So far I only know...three hiragana characters. Yup, I'm THAT slow. I downloaded a great audio book on iTunes. Also, this paragraph belongs in my new blog, Otaku Says. You can find it on my profile (I think). In that blog I talk about otaku culture and do reviews on manga and anime. This blog, Bruises and Bitemarks, remains my main blog, though. 

Well I suppose that's it for today.

Peace!

46. Diet

Mood: good

Song: I Am the Best by 2NE1

XXX

So I had a bit of a melt down yesterday. I talked to my dad about my food issues. I decided to go on a diet. I can now eat up to 1000 calories a day, which is about 500 calories less than either how much I eat now or how much I'm supposed to eat (That sounds odd. how do you "eat" calories???). Anyway, for breakfast I ate a yogurt, for lunch I ate tuna and five crackers, and for supper (I ate it pretty early, at like four) I ate one slice of vegetarian pizza.

I've been kind of depressed since last night. I took a double dose of risperdal last night (that's like, 4 mg) which knocked me out all night and most of today. I woke up at around one this afternoon. I'm still pretty tired, so I can't imagine that sleeping tonight will be much of a problem.

I'm still sporting a bruise from that fight I had with my sister last week.

My brother and two of his friends are over. I managed to hear them talking about either their girlfriends or their friend's girlfriends. Since when did ten year old little boys date?! I'm seventeen and I don't even date (due to the whole "fear of human relations" thing). It was kind of cute. My brother's never really liked girls all that much, so it must have been an awkward conversation for him. Not like they were talking about boobs and stuff or whatever, but still.

I'm tired, but it's not even five yet. 

I'm going to go paint my nails now.

Love,

Leeches Lolita <3

45. Mabon

Mood: guilty

Song: Diva by After School

XXX

Hello! 

So today was Mabon, or the fall equinox. Today day and night are the exact same length. How did I celebrate? I watched the sunrise and the sunset, meditating on it. I also went for a walk down the forested bike path I live near. I also took note on the things that I am thankful for. Over all, it was a very good day today.

Now onto why I am feeling guilty.

Remember that post a while back about how I feel guilty and fat every time I eat? Well it's only been getting worse. I've tried to stop eating, but I can't stop. I know I'm not overweight. I contemplate throwing up all the time and It's driving me crazy. The only thing stopping me from throwing up is the fact that if I ever became bulimic, then I'd ruin my voice AND I'd become like my mother. I'm very torn. I'm at the age my mom started throwing up, so I'm really scared. As much as I'd like to stop eating, I keep eating even when I'm not hungry. I have a pretty good metabolism, but seeing as I've stopped growing I'll only gain weight if I keep this up. The only time I don't feel guilty about eating is when I'm hungry. That's why I never ate in school. I have a phobia of eating in front of people. Ever since I was little I've always had to base what and how much I eat on what everyone else my age and size (it's gotten rather difficult nowadays) does. The only people I can stand eating around are my family.

I try to exercise. I dance every day for long periods of time. I go for walks. None of it helps me feel any better. When I dwell on all this it makes me want to cut or throw up. I've never forced myself to throw up, but I've definitely thought about it. I've even thought about taping notes to my wall that say stuff like "If you eat you'll get fat" or "Don't eat today".

I sound pathetic. I know. But it's the truth. This is something I've never been able to talk to my family or my therapist about. I'm afraid that they'll think I'm just asking for attention. Oh God...

I hate being full. That's the worst feeling. As much as I feel better when I'm hungry, I just have to eat. I don't know why. I have no self control. I don't binge like my mom, but I feel like I'm getting there. I wish I could talk to someone about this. But I can't talk about anything to anyone anymore. My new therapist is a family therapist. that means that my dad will be in the room with me. I can't talk about half the stuff I'm going through with him. I just can't.

I'm not going to cut. I'm not going to cut. I'm not going to cut. I'm not going to cut.

Oh god...I sound like my mom. My mom would write things like that in her journal, only it would be more like "I'm not going to binge. I'm not going to binge. I'm not going to binge." My worst fear is that I'm going to become like her. I'm so scared.

I guess I should stop. so till next time (because there WILL be a next time)

Leeches

44. Japanese

Mood: Tired...and in pain

Song: Lollipop Luxury by Jeffree Star

XXX

So um...I've decided to learn Japanese. German on the side, but I'm going to focus on Japanese. Mostly because I can relate to it better. I'm getting a sense of dejavu  (or however the hell you spell it) because I think I told this story yesterday. Eh hem...

Anyway, so I'm dedicating an hour to learning Japanese (starting with Hiragana) until school starts. When school starts I'm going to do a half hour each day. I'm usually fine with vocabulary, it's just becoming literate is really hard. I'm hoping that this whole learning a difficult language thing will help with my horrible memory problems.

Today I have group, which is good I suppose. Before that I'm (hopefully) going to the library to check out a few books. I've decide to stop checking out novels because I have so many at home and check out nonfiction instead. I literally have an entire Tupperware box fulled with novels I've never read and old sketch books. Half of those books are good ones like Harry Potter and Twilight (even though the movies ruined it for me), and the other half are either books my aunt brought me to Holly Hill Hospital or books I bought at the Dollar General for a buck twenty five.

Yesterday I learned that you can make playlist folders in iTunes, which makes my life so much easier. I like things to be orderly and tidy. Now my iPod can be too! No longer do I have to deal with searching through playlist after playlist. I'm very happy.

Well I suppose that's it...

Love,

I forget. Too lazy to check.

43. It's been a while...but I'm here now

Mood: Pain. My side hurts.

Song: Co No Mi Chi by Buono! 

XXX

Hello, all. And by all I mean all five of you! It's been a while since I last posted, but that's because I started a new blog (this one remains my main blog like always) called Otaku Says. If you're into anime and manga n stuff please check it out!

Anyway...

So I still don't have a new therapist. Which is fine, since therapy doesn't really work for me. Just a bunch of people telling me how I feel. My old therapist wanted to send me to a long term facility and be tested for BPD. I am NOT my mother, thank you very much. But whatever.

Last night I got into a fight with my sister. Apparently I punched her (I do NOT remember doing this. I think she was just being a drama queen again) so she grabbed me and threw me into the ground. My side is now sporting a bruise. I also stopped breathing for a good twenty seconds. She has some serious anger issues. I feel bad for her, though. Dad says that we both have anger problems. I do NOT have an anger problem! I just...express emotion in a "creative" way with lots of yelling! But whatever. What's done is done.

Karma's a...a...(trying not to curse)...you get the point. Anyway, what they say about having things come back to you three fold is completely true. I accidentally drop my sister's computer two inches from the ground and I get pushed to the ground. Seems fair. So I guess karma and I are even. Right? 

I read my brother's palm the other day. Either I was horribly wrong or he doesn't want to admit the truth. So I'm either psychic or stupid. The book (the solitary witch book my mum oh so ceremoniously left on my doorstep) said that he has trouble expressing emotions appropriately. I was so right! he either bottles things up or lets things out in a fit of anger or dramatics. I was so right. He just doesn't know it.

I've decided to learn Japanese. I can relate to it better than German (even if German IS my fetish language) because of the whole anime/manga geekness thing. Also, it'd be nice if I were able to read Death Note volume 6 that happens to be in the original Japanese.

So that's it for now. I have a purse making class later.

Love,

Whoever I am. I've changed my twitter name so many times I've lost count.

42. Death Note

Mood: Happy. I'm on my third cup of tea. To say I'm feeling good is an understatement.

Song: Jugular by Angelspit

XXX

So...mum bought me the book "Solitary Witch" and I'm studying it religiously. No pun intended. Mum apparently bought the book and left it on the doorstep without even bothering to knock on the door and say hi. She's such a coward...doesn't even want to face her own kids and ex husband. 

Anyway...I decided on a whim to re watch Death Note. I'm also saving up to buy the manga...which is about 139 bucks in total for all thirteen volumes. I shall also read those religiously. Pun intended. Ya know...because Light wants to become God? Religion? HA! I also think that L and Light should be gay for each other. Except they can't, because they're kind of dead.

Wouldn't it be great to own a Death Note??? Like, there's so many people I'd write in that thing it's not even funny! I'm not too keen on the whole "becoming the god of this new world" thing, but you get my point.

Last year at Aniwave I cosplayed as Misa Amane. I did pretty damn good too for putting it together the day before AND using clothes from my closet. This year I'm going to go all Visual kei. Unless I can scrape together enough money to order something online. Since my sewing skills suck.

This weekend my sister had two friends over and the day before my brother had three over. I barely got a moment of peace without hearing something about zombies blowing up. Now, normally I'm okay with my brother blowing up zombies (or whatever) in Left 4 Dead (which is a rather entertaining game, I must say) while I watch (since he doesn't let me play because I "suck at it"), but when you have four ten year olds in your living room it get's kind of old. 

I got sick the other day at like 4:45 in the morning. Because you totally want to read about how I was sick. Moving on...

We have yet to find me another therapist, and I'm running out of medication. No, I'm not a drug addict. I'm just scared of what'll happen when I don't take it. I still get to go to group, which is good, because group is good. 

So basically my life's been boring as boring can be. I want to go to school! See how desperate I am? I HATE school!

Anyway,

much love,

Yours Truly <3

41. Mother Is Coming To Town

Mood: Great. I just bought a butterfinger. it's all good...

Song: Someone like You by Adele

XXX

So....today is September ninth, two thousand eleven. But you knew that already. However, today also happens to be Friday. Which means that my mother is coming into town. She's going to take my sister and I shopping (said in a bored, disbelieving, "oh well, I don't expect much; she don't keep her promises" voice). Unfortunately her "I'm an egomaniac who works at an important job at an airport and has lots of money so that's why I get to date Alex's mother" boyfriend. I'm going to apologize for calling him a motherfucker, and try not to sound sarcastic. Apparently I'm allowed to think those things, but I'm not actually supposed to say them out loud. Oops. 

Not much has been going on. On Friday (a week ago...did I tell you this story?) I had my interview for Mosley High School. That's where the kids go if they're in danger of dropping out. Apparently I fit the criteria perfectly. The interview went well, and I'm first on the waiting list. So when someone decides to leave Mosley, I get to go there. That also means I'll be behind everyone else, but the curriculum is "work at your own pace" anyway. Which is good, because I give new meaning to the phrase "slow learner".

Shit...I forgot to take my meds this morning. well, I'll write again soon.

Love,

Leeches <3

Edit: It appears that my mother doesn't want to see me. She just wants to party with her stupid boyfriend. So much for trying to be friends with her. I said that I'd try if she'd try. Now all I want is for her to get the fuck out of my life and leave me alone. She's sick, and I'm done with worrying about her. Done.

40. Insert Witty Title Here

Mood: Drowsy (is that a mood? Dunno. Just took my medication. It's about 12:30 in the morning though...)

Song: Nothing. I'm watching Bleach on Adult Swim :)

XXX

So my mum's coming into town on Friday apparently. I think I told this story last post, but I can't remember. Anyway, she's apparently told my step father that she wants to move back in with him. He said no, of course. This leads me to believe that something's going wrong with her and her boyfriend. So that's kind of upsetting to hear, I mean, I just want her to be happy. She seemed so happy when I spoke to her on the phone.

In other news, I'm babysitting right now. Yes, I'm babysitting at 1:30 in the morning while watching Bleach (actually it's a different anime that I can't pronounce that just came on. It starts with a D though). Just one of the kids I babysat over the summer. Dad, Tracy, the kid's dad, and some other people went out, so I'm babysitting tonight. The little girl fell asleep a few hours ago, so that gives me liberty to do whatever. And I'm being paid!

Not much his happening.

Happy labour day weekend! 

With love from,

Leeches :)

39. Mum

Mood: Good

Song: Celebration by Madonna

XXX

So...

Mum's coming into town in a week. As in, a week from today. As in, next Friday. As in, she's taking my sister and I shopping.

I don't expect anything, though. I'm not going to get my hopes up for anything, so that I don't get disappointed in the end. That way I can't get angry with her later. I've decided to accept the fact that she's my mother. She'll always be my mother. She's trying to have a relationship with us, which is a good sign. If she's going to try, then I suppose I have to try as well. I've been so angry lately, that I just need to let some things go. Why should I be disappointed with her if SHE'S NOT ME? That's the thing. She's NOT me. I can't do anything to change her, only she can. I have to accept the fact that I shouldn't be worrying her or telling her how to live her life. This is not because I'm weak. I believe that it makes me a very strong person to be trying to work everything out with my mum.

She seems to accept the fact that I've been looking into the wiccan religion. She even said that she'll buy me the book "The Solitary Witch". She used to own it, and she completely supports my looking into it. We both have the same opinion of it: it makes so much more sense than anything else. 

We had a very nice conversation on the phone today. But it didn't feel like I was talking to my mum. It felt like I was talking to a friend. A friend I hadn't talked to in a while. I'm willing to forgive her for all that she's done, as long as she works to keep herself happy. If she's happy, then that means she won't do anything stupid to screw this whole thing up. She says that she's going to go back to school. She's saying all these things that I want to believe, but I don't know if I can. She'll have to work hard to regain my love and trust.

I shouldn't say that I don't love her. Because I do! Very much! But I hate the things she's done. 

I'd like to apologize for yesterday's rant and surplus of cursing. I was just angry, because the fact that my therapist has basically given up on me really upset me. I'm going to try and tone down the cursing, because I feel that that way I'll become happier and nicer. I'd like to be a better person. I'm going to work towards that.

Blessed be,
Leeches Lolita <3 

38. I Shall Become what I hate most...

Mood: I don't wanna talk about it...

Song: Nothing

Sorry for the language, folks

XXX

...A liar. I shall become a liar.

For my own sake, of course.

Today I had therapy and I realized that I have two choices. Accept the fact that I'm being forced to see someone else and do well in school, completely suppressing my feelings of anger, depression, and whatnot, and fake my way through my panic attacks and episodes. OR, have my problem worsen (like it's going to anyway) and be sent to a long term residential facility.

I think it's obvious which I'm going to pick.

I am not being sent to a long term facility. You'd have to kill me first. 

My therapist seems to think that this whole thing is something I'm doing to seek attention. AH, NO! I mean seriously! Who the FUCK hurts them self to get ATTENTION??? That's just stupid! If anything, I want LESS attention! I wish people would stop paying any mind to the cuts on my arms. I might not hide them, but I sure as hell ain't PROUD of them! My entire fucking arm is RUINED! It's as bad as getting a tattoo. People will see that and think that I'm crazy! My therapist also thinks that I need to see someone different. That means that I'll have to explain myself for the billionth time. I wish people just knew. So I didn't have to open my mouth and repeat my life story over and over again.

So, I'm going to lie. I'm going to pretend that my life is perfect and pretend that none of this even happened. Gloria (therapist) fucking thinks that I fucking cut myself for attention! What the fuck???!!! I'm going to suppress my urges to cut and hide my anger and depression. I'm going to be  fucking happy.

Maybe I should just stop taking my medication. Meditate myself into a state of false happiness. Forget I have these problems. Who knows? Maybe they'll just go away.

Who even reads this blog anymore anyway?

Anyway,

Yours (happily)

Leeches <3

37: Weight

Mood: Fat

Song: Arms by Christina Perri 

XXX

I think I have a slight problem. I feel fat. No, I get that all people feel fat at some point in their life, but for me it's really bad. Every time I eat I feel like I've gained ten pounds. Problem is, even if I'm not hungry I eat. Even if it's just a handful of chips, I feel so fat afterwards. I had a serious meltdown this evening, and I upset my sister by accident. 

I took a really great quiz that told me that I'm at a healthy weight. Now all I have to do is maintain that weight and I'll be good. We have an exercise bike in my parent's room which I can use, and I also live near a bike trail where I can take walks. The quiz gave great information like what my BMI is and what percentile it is in. It based my BMI on my age, my height AND my weight. A lot of places online only base your BMI on your age or weight rather than both. I'm very small for my age, but I've been through puberty already (duh), so a lot of online resources don't give me accurate responses. You can take the quiz here: http://pediatrics.about.com/cs/obesity/l/bl_amifat_quiz.htm

But that doesn't excuse the fact that I FEEL EXTREMELY FAT!

But then again, I AM smaller than most people. That means that my stomach is smaller than most people my age, therefore it fills up much quicker than a regular 17 year old girl. Even if I eat a little bit, I feel full. I have to remember that even if I feel full, that does NOT mean that I'm fat. Being full and being fat are two completely different things.

I feel better now :)

Love,

Leeches <3

36: Seriously...

Mood: Absofuritalicious

Song: I hear you calling by Chalice and Blade

XXX

Butterfinger is the best ever. Not even kidding.  Also, Google chrome thinks that "Butterfinger" is spelt wrong.

So I've been reading up on Wicca. I'm not joking when I say that it makes so much more sense than the Christian religion. I've been dabbling in it for the past few months and I'm thinking about doing a bit more than just dabbling. The more I look into it the more it makes sense to me. My mum used to be part of a coven, but I don't really know what happened to that. I was really little, but I suppose that because my mum sort of dabbled into it I myself want to be part of that. I've only met two wiccans before in my life, but I read that it's possible to be wiccan and not be part of a circle or coven. Again, I'm only a beginner so don't shoot me if I say something wrong.

You know, I'm not entirely sure If I should be putting this on my blog. Seeing as it's connected to my Facebook, it might not be a good idea. I wasn't doing anything illegal, I just drank a bit. I knew when to stop, though, so that proves that I have way more self control than my mother.

This is a really short entry, seeing as my life is pretty boring right now.  

35: Irene

Mood: Great
Song: Hurricane Venus by BoA (how appropriate)

XXX

So there's this hurricane called "Irene" that's supposed to hit us (well, not directly at us, but you get the point). It's already pouring rain outside, but the worst of it is supposed to hit tonight and tomorrow. We bought a power generator in case the power goes out. Dad made my siblings and I go underneath the bridge we live by and fill grocery bags with sand and put them by all the doors leading outside as well as the door of our storage unit. I'm counting that as my daily dose of exercise. Here's to praying that I don't run out of medication before this whole thing is over. We went grocery shopping and bought a bunch of food and water, so we're pretty much good in the whole food/water department.

So if my internet goes out I won't be able to post for a few days. Not that anyone reads this anymore. I've got, like, two followers and that's it. Not that it matters, of course. I'm doing this blog thing for me. Not anyone else, me.

I've got plenty of books that I have to finish reading, so that's good. And I could draw, or sing, or write music. hopefully I'll be able to charge my laptop with the generator thingy we bought. Hopefully.

So I suppose that;s it for now.

Love,
Leeches <3  

34: Hospitals

Mood: Happy

Song: Madchen aus dem all by Tokio Hotel

XXX

So about my last post. It shall forever remain unfinished. What happened right after writing that? Well...

I cut myself. For the first time in over a month. Then I ran away from home and ended up outside a CVS quite a ways away from my house. I started screaming that I wanted to kill myself and that I was going to die. Some lady tried to do an exorcism on me, and I was rushed to the hospital. Well, according to the police and paramedics anyway. I don't remember much of what happened.

The next day I was driven to Holly Hill Hospital. Again. I was handcuffed and in the back of a police car. Again. Well, at least I could see out of the windows this time. Police vans suck. I spent a total of 12 days there. I got out yesterday.

But I've had a complete change of heart. I witnessed something that completely changed my view of my life. This girl, Edith, whom I was very good friends with, tried to commit suicide while we were walking up the stairs coming from visitation. She jumped off the stairs and fell a good 12 feet or so. She passed out and almost died. Seeing that made me scared. I was afraid that she would die. I realized that the people who witness me hurt myself must be as scared as I was when I saw Edith jump. I realized that my life is so much more privileged than hers. Her adoptive parents were going to send her back to Uganda because (as Edith said) they didn't love her anymore. She has nothing, while I have so much compared to her. I think I'm done with this whole "suicide" thing. Hopefully. 

Apparently one of my "friends" goes to my old high school now. You know, the trailer? Anyway, it pisses me off because now he's good friends with some of my good friends. Do they know how irritating he is? Crazy house, my ass. eh hem. WE'RE NOT FUCKING CRAZY! WE ARE NOT TO BE LABELED! SURE WE HAVE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS AND DISORDERS, BUT THAT DOES NOT MAKE US FUCKING CRAZY! whew. I feel better now. But seriously. It's a psych ward or a mental hospital. Not a fucking loony bin or crazy house. We do not go there because society has thrown us out. We go there for fucking help. He even made a rude remark about how I live in an apartment/condo and he lives in a three story house. I care because? Anyway. I'm much more talented than him. I bet he can't write poetry for shit. Not to mention an entire song.

See? I feel so good about myself! I'm talented. I'm awesome. I'm worth living for. I'm worth loving. I'm worth it enough to stay alive! I'm pretty. I'm...

Okay, so that last one is because of a few people at Holly Hill. This girl thinks I'm sexy (she's really pretty, so it's okay), this guy thinks I'm short and sexy, another guy likes me, and this one girl flat out told me she loved me. I haven't been around people in my age group for so long. Am I pretty? I don't know. But these people think I am. But wait. Don't sexy and pretty mean completely different things? Well, the guy who has a crush on me told me that I'm too pretty to die. That was nice. (although he kept telling people to not touch me because I'm apparently "his girl". Then the girl who kept telling me she loved me would start arguing with him. It was all rather cute, but the girl wasn't). 

The girl who thought I was sexy was only a little less than 14, but she was really pretty. She had this crazy personality that I really liked! Even better than that, I met this lesbian who was in my unit. She was really, really pretty. Unfortunately she only likes studs and I like femmes or lipstick lesbians. I love girls anyway, though. It doesn't matter what your "label" is, because I could fall in love with anybody! Too bad I left the day after she came to the hospital and the day that I found out she was a lesbian. Damn it...

she was really pretty too!

I feel better about myself. <3

And now I'm going to finish reading my Emilie Autumn book :)

Love,

Leeches

33. Christmas

Mood: Kind of Sad

Song: Hate You by 2NE1

XXX

Sometimes I think back to Christmas 2010. That was right before all the bad shit started happening. Right before I learned that all the bad shit had been happening my entire life right under my nose. Back then I thought that all moms acted and drank like mine did. Christmas has never been a big deal to me. I never understood why we even celebrated it. I'm not a Christian at all, so I never saw why I should celebrate it. I suppose the reason I liked Christmas was because my mom expressed her love for us by buying us things. She couldn't physically and emotionally love anyone. So she bought us things. Especially during the holidays. During the holidays I felt that my mom loved me because she bought me things. She'd say they were from Santa or whatever, but I never really believed in that shit. My logic wouldn't allow it.

Now that I live with my dad and Tracy, I'm completely aware that they love me very much. So what is Christmas to me now? Not much. It's still nice because I get to see family, but that's pretty much it. 

Thinking about this makes me upset. I feel like crying right now. But I can't. My sister and her friend are in the bedroom with me. My sister and I share a bedroom, so I no longer have that space in the house where I can just go and cry. I used to go to the park and cry, but I can't since we don't live near a park anymore.I should probably take my medication, but I've lost all hope in getting rid of my anger and depression. Sure, the mood stabilizers keep my moods in check and they aren't as extreme as they used to be, but (zone out) What was I talking about?

So I decided to buy some chocolate. I'm going to get fat one day, I swear. But chocolate helps me sometimes. I can't cry in my house at all because my sister thinks I'm just faking it. But she's going out tonight and it's her turn to babysit tomorrow, which is good. I can cry all I want. But the trouble is that tomorrow I won't want to cry. So I'll have all these tears locked inside me until next time. Then I won't be able to stop it. 

So do I feel like I want to die? Sort of. I know that would be cowardly of me, since it's just a bit of sadness, but clinical depression is different from regular depression. I hurt myself. I like to hurt myself. Some people say they are sad, but I know that it's because "My parent's are fighting" or "My boyfriend cheated on me" or "my sister's being a bitch". I'm sick of putting up with other people's shit. I've tried to kill myself. I've been abused and harassed my entire life. My mother is insane. 

Now i can't cry. I want to, but I can't do it. 

But why am I doing this?

Why am I not hurting myself?

It's so easy!

I just drag the knife across my skin and fucking hurt myself!

It doesn't hurt after a while. Most of the knives we have are pretty dull anyway.

What can they do? Punish me? NO.

[Unfinished Post. Written on Thursday, August 11, 2011]

32: UGH!

Mood: Pretty pissed off...

Song: Hey You by Tokio Hotel

XXX

So this morning I woke up and went over to the house I babysit at. I got there at around nine, let myself in, and waited for the kids to arrive (they were staying with their mom, but I babysit them at their dad's house) for AN ENTIRE FUCKING HOUR!!!! So then I call my step mom and she texts or calls the kid's mom. I don't get any notification from the mom or dad, but I got a text from Tracy (step mom) saying that the kids wouldn't be there today. I wasted an entire hour of my life waiting for those kids (and watching Demyx Time...). I think I should be payed for an entire day. 

So in total I'm only going to make about ten bucks from babysitting. I need a real job...

I had rehearsal for Dreams Presents (a big show that's put on every year at Thalian Hall down town) Monday and Tuesday. I got bored afterwards (cause my dad couldn't take me home till 2:30 or so because of work) so I walked around down town. Yesterday I spent about thirteen bucks on iced chai tea at Port City Javas. I also bought a bagel and didn't choke on it like I did last week. Didn't spend much time in the library, but I put "Kissing Kate" on hold for me. I should be getting it tomorrow (Friday).

I suppose that's it...

Love,

Leeches

P.S. I HATE THE WHOLE "SCENE KID" THING. IT'S SO FREAKING MAINSTREAM! IT WAS COOL BEFORE IT WAS COOL. NOW IT'S JUST STUPID. KIND OF LIKE TWILIGHT...ESPECIALLY WHEN TWELVE YEAR OLDS TRY TO PULL IT OFF. SORRY FOR THE ALL CAPS...LOVE YA!

31: I'm Angry

Mood: See title

Song: Hate You by 2NE1 (No relevance intended)

XXX

Ya know what pisses me off? When people have the nerve to talk to me and call a psych ward or mental hospital a "loony bin" or "crazy house" or some other shit like that. I was on the phone with a friend today and he wouldn't stop calling it that. I'm like "Excuse me? Are you honestly calling me crazy? None of us in that ward were crazy. We just have mental illnesses. I am NOT fucking crazy!"

Makes me wanna choke a bitch.

It also pisses me off when you spend two hours on the phone with someone and all they do is talk about themselves. Now, this isn't the same person who was calling the psych ward the crazy house (or whatever he said), but I have enough problems right now. I'd rather NOT be pissed off at two people during the same day, thank you very much.

I also hate it when people complain about their petty problems like "Oh my boyfriend broke up with me I'm so depressed!" Excuse me honey, but if you want something to be depressed about please walk a few miles in my size five heels for a change. I'm not saying I have it really bad. Most of my issues are mental anyway. But that also means that there is almost nothing I can do physically to make it better. You can go get a new boyfriend. I can't just go and get a new mom. Or brain. Or childhood.

So today I bought some sharpie pens at the Walgreens I live near. I spent a good twenty minutes standing in line because the people in front of me had A BINDER FULL OF COUPONS. Who knows how long they'd been there before I'd gotten in line? So I spent the twenty minutes making weird faces at their baby. I was buying TWO THINGS. two things! And I waited in line for twenty minutes!

So I guess that's it for today. 

Luv ya,

Leeches