Mood: at peace
Song: Innocent High by Blood on the Dance Floor <3
XXX
So it's been about ten million years since I posted here. I figured I'd write again. Not that I don't love my blog, it's just kind of difficult what with school and everything (did I tell you all I started school? I have a horrible memory. Please excuse the fact that I'm constantly rephrasing things).
But everything in my life is relatively stress free. On Wednesday (today is Saturday...which comes after Friday. lol) I saw my mom. She's nothing but a lying bulimic little bitch. My sister and I sat outside the courtroom listening to BOTD the whole time. Apparently my mom lied about EVERYTHING , even if lying on the stand is illegal or something. Anyway, point is...karma better catch up to her soon. I'm done with this shit. She needs to quit acting like she's the best thing since pudding cups. I wish she'd just grow up and start acting like a responsible adult and not have to have someone constantly taking care of her.
After court, I cried. I ended up not going to school that day because I was so stressed out. My mom didn't even say goodbye or anything.
I didn't look at her much, so I didn't really see that her face was all swollen up (according to my step mom). I bet she isn't doing anything to help her eating disorder. I know that I have problems, but at least I'm doing something about them!
But enough of that. other than the mess with my mom, I haven't had a reason to get all stressed out. School is going great (minus the rude people who hang out in the library during lunch while I'm trying to read), and I've felt really great. So far I've had two meetings with my new therapist. She's helped me more than Gloria ever did in my whole year of seeing her. Gloria never really talked about coping skills or anything, but now I'm learning about lots of ways to control myself. I feel like I'm going in the right direction now.
I've stopped going to group all together. One of the kids there (I won't tell you who) was making me feel awkward and saying some things I wasn't quite alright with. I'm afraid it'll turn into the "Scott Incident".
I've always had an irrational fear of men. I trust women (most of the time, unless I can tell I shouldn't trust them), but men are out of the question. when one flatters me or tell me they like me, it makes me scared. I don't like men, minus my dad. I'm even uncomfortable with my ex-step father.
I hate food. I can't eat anymore, and when I do I feel sick afterwards even if I only eat a little. Other than dinner, I don't eat. I hate eating in front of other people, but even if I'm hungry I refuse to eat anyway. I'm trying to lose weight, but I'm afraid of taking it too far. I'm not trying to starve myself, I just think i've put myself in a bad situation. I refuse to eat candy or drink anything other than coke zero and water. maybe milk sometimes, but only 1 percent. When I eat even a little I feel like I've put on like five or ten pounds. I know that it's a horrible state of mind, but I'm trapped inside it. I'm afraid that If I start eating meat again I'll gain a ton of weight. In the morning I can't eat because food just tastes nasty at that point. Same thing at lunch. I only eat in the evenings, but my portions have been getting smaller and smaller.
Today I went out to eat with my dad, step mom, and sister to a local restaurant. I splurged and ate a fish sandwich (fried) and some chips. Not only did I not finish but half of the sandwich, but I felt horrible and guilty after I ate. It's been a few hours, and I still feel bad. Over the past few years I've felt horrible about my height and weight. Most kids my size weigh way less than I do. My dad says that it's because I've gone though puberty already, but I just don't know anymore. I'm really short. Like, four foot six. When I look at myself in pictures I see this ugly chubby girl. That's a horrible way to think, but that's just how I feel.
So...I guess the whole food thing is the only thing I'm worried about now. other than that, school's great and my life is normal for once (minus my mom). I guess this is a good place to end this post.
Love,
Yours Truly
P.S. Sometimes writing in this blog makes me depressed or helps me realize things about myself that I normally wouldn't think about. Thank you for reading :)
